FLR seems to be over

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by GoddessG, Feb 10, 2020.

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  1. imhers24x7
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    imhers24x7 Member

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    Hello GoddessG,

    thank you for sharing your story, as it seems to me that most postings are from men (like myself).
    It's interesting hearing the other version.
    I can somehow understand you man, that he is veraly eager trying to establish his vision of a FLR, honestly I have been in the same spot before but quickly corrected my view.

    I think you need to sit together and talk about what a FLR is for each one of you.
    From the male perspective it seems that it has often FLR written on the outside but inside are his desires, wishes, kinks.
    BUT, this has _nothing_ to do with the FL in FLR, which means "female led".
    From what you wrote it looks like he is seeing the FLR as some kind of 24x7 role play, but the question is: why? Why should you do this?
    What is in it for you?
    He should follow your lead and can make the decision if he wants to do so, but he shouldn't be pushing.

    We are also staring a FLR and things evolve slowly, but we have fun trying to learn how we can set this up. And sometimes we fail and then we discuss our options.

    I suggest starting with a very simple "contract" written by you and agreed by him and some suggestions written by him, which you can read to learn more about him and to have an option to include them into your relationship.
    He can suggest but should not try to discuss or stary begging ;-)

    Take a look into our contract, which is only written by my KH to get some ideas.
    https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/my-travel-log-towards-a-flr-chastity.35860/

    Some of the most important rules are:

    1) Speed
    She is setting the pace and arrangement of our FLR. I am allowed to make suggestions or raise wishes, but she will make the choices if she wants to use this information.

    2) Devotion
    If she asks for anything, my answer has to be "yes"

    3) Letters
    I have to write weekly letters which are covering my thoughts/feelings and my love & devotion towards her and our relationship.

    A FLR is a normal "relationship" which will also come with ups and downs.
    I hope you will figure it out as it is also asking great pleasure for both sides.

    Imhers
     
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  2. imhers24x7
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    imhers24x7 Member

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    True. I think the only solution would be to burn HIS script and ask "do you want a FLR?" If the answer is yes, that it should be absolutely clear, that the script should be written by her (and only by her).
    This is also the first "test" if he is able to live in a FLR.
    If she will suggest this (it's either my rules or no rules) this alone is already a very dominant approach and should trigger him ;-)

    Imhers.
     
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  3. Blue00
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    Blue00 Member

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    You seem to have fantastic insight and resolve. You are NOT a kink dispenser. He seems to still be developing his idea of what it means to be submissive. Seems there is an opportunity there. Perhaps there is something to pause that could also help him better understand what he really wants/needs? Alternatively, if there is a big hurdle for him to get over, perhaps agreeing to add that element at a later date would give time for his acceptance?

    Only you know how to best arrive at what will work since, ultimately, you will be in charge.
     
  4. jmanque
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    jmanque Active member

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    If I were to play armchair psychologist I'd venture that the OP isn't frustrated by coming upon limits, but by receiving mixed messages, and by behavior in her partner that seems selfish- demands to fill his 'needs' while not being sensitive to hers.

    The best case scenario is that it's the result of a communications deficiency that can be corrected. Her sub may know something is missing in his life, be unsure what it is, demand something, and when he gets it and finds it lacking demand something else, while being too embarrassed or too self occupied to explain that he's still unsure and searching, and instead of asking for help to find what's missing, and helping his partner find what's missing in her life, it results in two frustrated people.
     
  5. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    W/we had growing pains as well throughout the years (W/we're on year 14 and counting). Part of it is shaking off both the prescribed cultural norms of gender roles. That cultural programming is so deep it just leeches into nearly every perspective and act. Part of this is also that both parties really problematize the tropes of Femdom. Things online / in media are the most visible, but to live it (and to enjoy it) is just a different set of circumstances.

    There is a ton of communication as well as trial and error in the process. The thing W/we always keep in mind is that it is supposed to be fun! I hope You and Your sub are doing better.

    xo
    nancy
     
  6. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    @GoddessG I have experienced a somewhat mirror image of your experience back in August. I'm back in FLR mode with my wife now and things have been going well for about a month and a half. I can tell you from a submissive point of view there are days where I feel like saying screw this. It's not worth the effort. Yet everytime we stop, everytime we take a break, I miss it. It might very well be that the most powerful move you have is to refuse to play his game. Unlock him, stop the FLR and let him know that when he's ready to do as you say he can beg you to start again. At that point you have him and can make it clear what the terms are for resuming the lifestyle.
     
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  7. BobCat
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    BobCat Member

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    Devils Advocate but isnt there another thread on here where people are saying that men in flr shouldnt just do what the mistress says, and here some of the same people are sympathising saying she is right and he should do as she says? Lol
    My opinion is that with lifechanging things you need to be mature and think things through as people. If youre expecting him to get engaged or give you finances or start permanent chastity just because you said so, you may be in for a shock id think lol. Little factors that help shape your everyday is what makes things last in flr, not big giant steps or having proof of submission by cum eating or calling you Goddess but whether he makes you feel like one. And if he sees youre superficial that you need labels or to have other people see youre relationship making strides he may just give you them to appease but not follow through with his duties any next level brings. I want to be with my fiance even at her worst because she brings out my best and is equally there at my worst. I dont want her because I long to be married to a femdom, although that will be a nice bonus.

    Sounds like he has a full busy work life and might have career expectations that are on his mind. But your going to have problems if you try to sit online to figure out how to make this real while this seems to be an escape for him and if you rush into it you may just burn his wick at both ends and it may just stay as your fantasy. Reality isnt always perfect but it can be good enough
     
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  8. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Sounds like he needs a “breaking in period.” I’d tell him that to continue he will have to agree in writing to certain terms and conditions. Things start off with 90 with days no orgasms with 24/7 in the cage. If he doesn’t please you, you either leave him locked or throw all the devices away.
     
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  9. Slave to Wife
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    Slave to Wife Nobody Important

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    Great advice right here.
     
  10. John
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    John Member

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    Maybe it's more a kink turn on for him. If he cum he would probably not care about it anymore.
     
  11. lockedformywife
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    lockedformywife Locked for Love

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    I think this is what is going on. he loves the idea, it turns him on when hes horny but when hes not as horny and comes back to reality he doesn't like it.

    Its why he wants to set the terms, hes trying to fit it into his fantasy that he has in his head of what he imagines a FLR to be. when the dopamine wears off so does his desire for the FLR and he leaves the fantasy and reenters reality.
     
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  12. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Long term member

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    Of course he wants to set terms and control the development. Right or wrong that is how he sees thing in his head. Thats his reality. What he says he wants and what he actually wants are probably two different things and that will be a point of discussion you will need to burrow into. Also I see you call him slave in your posts. Is that how you actually see him? Is that how he actually sees himself?
     
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  13. imhers24x7
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    imhers24x7 Member

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    I like the idea, but I think that it might be better not to mention how long he will be in chastity, as this results in a big power loss.
    Maybe you can try to have a talk with him and then finishing explaining you points that you want to be in a FLR and you deserve to be (saying this this alone would be a turn on to me).
    Then that he might tell him his desires/wishes but that he has the option do decide to start to develop into a FLR, but that if he do so, that it will be played after your rules and it's either that he accepts that or it will be over with this topic.
    That you have the right to be in a FLR and that you will take care of his needs through "caring dominance".
    But ... He needs to prove that it's not about a role play but 24x7 and a paradigm shift.
    If he wants it, he should kneel down and kiss your feet, lock himself up and handover both keys and he has to prove that he the ability to accept you as mistress. He will stay locked as long as you decides that he is worth trying another start of the FLR.
    To keep him engaged you have to add something to the FLR so that he is recognizing that he is not locked and forgotten, this teasing is so easy and will spice up his life.
    My keyholder is sometimes just sending a short chat (are you still caged?) Or some pictures which keeps me charged.

    Imhers
     
  14. Her Dividend
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    Her Dividend Junior Member

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    Most men and women don't want to be slaves; they want a practical power exchange. Of course the thought and fantasy of slavery will always remain alluring and erotic -- if it stays in the abstract but feels real.
     
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  15. RexVa
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    RexVa Long term member

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    #40 RexVa, Feb 13, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
    :strong: These are all excellent recommendations, reflecting experience and common sense. Good luck moving forward!
     
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  16. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    He wants kink.

    You want a relationship.

    Time to have a heart-to-heart talk.
     
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  17. MistressOfDesire
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    Maybe we all suffer the same. I feel you.

    sadly the “true” submissives are hard to come by. The ones who desire the lifestyle not just the sexual fantasy.
    Personally I do chastity for emotional reasons, many boys I have met so it for sexual reasons. This is when it fails between the two of you in my experience.
     
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  18. Breathe
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    Breathe Be true to yourself

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    I understand how painful and maddening it can be to remove that key. The rebuild can be pretty stressful, too. Just try to remember - even in your darkest times, you've still got the key to your own happiness and satiety. :key::love:

    If you need an ear or support, My DMs are open. Sending good vibes your way for peace in healing and clarity.
     
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  19. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    I absolutely agree with the above posts that he has a fantasy that overwrites his reality. There's very little you can do to convert yourself into that fantasy so you need to negotiate a reality where you and he are comfortable. The problem may be that he doesn't want to let go of the fantasy.

    @Xileh is right - you want a relationship and he wants to play. A constructive discussion is in order.
     
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  20. Blue00
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    Blue00 Member

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    I see a recurring theme in some messages. There is a lot of talk here about how subs need to be patient with developing Dommes. I am saddened to hear of so much pain here, but the optimist in me would like to see thinks work out and improve.

    My limited personal experience has taken me from emulating fantasies to a genuine, evolving FLR. It took a lot of coaching from a very patient Domme Therapist for me to learn to see that I already had what I was seeking. I just needed to turn my thoughts from what I wanted to what she wants. It is a very difficult turn to make, but also a very powerful one. I don't know his side of this, and it is possible that he does not deserve any second chance. However, I know that I needed several chances before I finally got it. (Assuming I "got it" now.)

    Perhaps some time is needed for both people to really reflect on what that seek in the relationship. Think about what is most important and what (if anything) one is willing to conceded to obtain it.
     
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  21. GoddessG
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    Verified Female

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    Sorry I haven't replied to everyone sooner, I've been super busy at work and home/children.

    Just quickly before I respond properly tomorrow evening when I'll have more time - we are in a ' vanilla' relationship already, we were vanilla before we ventured into chastity/FLR.
    We live together and have done for a few months and have a secure relationship with that side of things (we've been in a relationship for over 18 months).

    It's just FLR element causing frustration. He begs for me to control everything, from when and how he pees to other things both sexual and normal couple stuff. He begs and insists that he does not want a say in anything. Then when I do 'follow through', he becomes what I can only describe as rebellious!

    Re slave - he refers to himself as to my slave, he first used that for himself and I call him that too. I use him for sexual purposes for myself as well as basic things such as making me coffee in the morning. He often yearns to be at my feet.

    He returned home from his holiday on Wednesday night, Thursday morning he crawled behind me as I dressed as I think he realised he had deeply p*ssed me off! Both on an FLR basis and without that too.

    I've been reading responses quickly and read properly tmr and respond more comprehensively then.
     
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  22. Blue00
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    Blue00 Member

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    By now, I suspect you are getting more responses than you know what to do with. This is an incredible community who cares about those that are a part of it.

    If you have not done so, I suggest reading "Uniquely Rika" In fact, I suggest you both read it before resuming your activities. The book is focused on how to set up a long term FLR. I am certain that you already understand most of what is in that book. But it seems like he has FLR backwards. It is HE that should be putting in the work to make things better for you, not the other way around. It is HE that should be working to discover what you want instead of telling you how to lead the relation ship. If you want to indulge his kinks, that should be up to you and he should consider it a gift.

    Many on here have FAR more experience than I do, but this book was recommended to me by several experienced people for me to give to my wife. Turns out, once I read the book and understood, I didn't need to give her any instruction to improve. I just needed to follow her wonderful lead and serve her needs. She takes it from there.


    https://www.amazon.com/Uniquely-Rik...?keywords=Uniquely+rika&qid=1581640630&sr=8-1
     
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  23. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    I'm guilty of that, but not because I'm being dishonest or pandering. I believe it is natural and good for a submissive to have expectations. In this particular instance it appears the dominant female is operating within her subs expectations and he is rebelling at that. There is nothing wrong with communicating, but at some point the person in charge has to make a decision. By denying her participation in his fetish unless it is on her terms, she is allowing him a choice. Not demanding a slave does as told.
     
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  24. MouseTee
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    MouseTee Long term member

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    I am sorry to read that it came this far GodessG. I wish that the fundaments of your relationship will are strong enough to support this impact.
     
  25. John
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    John Member

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    Maybe when he says what he wants listen and say you don't care about his wants it's about your wants from now on.
     
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