No choice for me, Reluctant Mistress

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by ReluctantMistress, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. ReluctantMistress
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    ReluctantMistress New member

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    #1 ReluctantMistress, Nov 5, 2018
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    I am lost, frustrated, angry, and grieving, all over male chastity.

    My husband was, I thought, a dominant man. We've been friends since we were 15 years old (29 years ago now), lovers for 20 years (into BDSM from the beginning of our intimate relationship), married for 19 years. About 16 years ago, he expressed an interest in "switching," so we've switched roles on and off for a long time.

    At the beginning of September, he got a chastity device and put it on, giving me the key. I had some fun with it, tormenting him until he was ready to rip my clothes off - it was working. It was new, it was fun, but it wasn't FOREVER.

    In mid-October, he knelt at my feet and begged me to promise him I would never take the cage off unless it was for my pleasure. I had to promise. I cried. I don't want this.

    I can never have what I need again. I can never be surprised by him pouncing on me and taking me again. He can pounce, but he can't DO anything. He can't follow through. And if I have to unlock him and tell him to ravage me, well, it kind of negates the whole purpose. I have to be the Dominant. And I'm not Dominant. I'm just not. I never have been. We have discussed this - it just makes him cry and apologize, but believe me it's not going to change.

    He knows I don't want this. He knows I feel like a part of myself has been amputated. But he's so happy, and so attentive, and enjoying it so much... I'm just lost.

    I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with him, or to him. He's a pain slut, but I can't bring myself to give him the level of pain that he wants, because I'm too busy worrying about hurting him. When I do hurt him, I'm standing there apologizing with tears in my eyes. He's having fun now, but what about later, when he wants more pain and less "pet"?

    He wants me to humiliate him, and it's so very hard for me to say degrading things to him. I get so angry. I want my MAN back - not this sniveling worm. He wants me to call his penis small, but he's hung like a horse. His relationships before me were awful - really, really awful. I feel like I spent the first 10 years of our marriage trying to repair the damage they did to him, and now he wants me to tear him down???

    So, whew, okay, we've established that I don't want to be in this situation, but here we are. I'm a Keyholder, and the Domme. Has anyone else ever been in this predicament? How did you manage?

    How do I do this? What do I do with him? How do I adjust and adapt?

    I need advice. I need guidance. I need suggestions.

    I need help.
     
  2. Adam444
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    Adam444 Long term member

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    Me thinks you have a pretty serious problem. As I read you message it's pretty clear that being a Domme isn't what you want and I'm of the opinion that if you don't want to do it, you shouldn't be coerced into it. There's the "try it, you'll like" it school of thought and if you were on the fence it might be worth giving it a shot but you are clearly not. I suppose you could bring a third party into the relationship who could dominate you both but I'm not sure that's what you want and would add another layer of complexity to what is already a tenuous situation.

    Frankly, you might both benefit from professional marriage counseling, especially someone that deals with sexual issues. The other alternative is a divorce lawyer. You two may simply not be sexually compatible, that doesn't make you bad people, just ones that don't share the same interests.
     
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  3. L-u-c-y
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    Staff Member Owner of Chastity Mansion Administrator Verified Female

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    Welcome to the site. I think many women feel pressured into going along with their husbands all consuming fetishes. I don't know what the answer is.
     
  4. Adam444
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    Adam444 Long term member

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    Frankly I don't get, much less would be into, some of the fetishes here (and other places) but everyone involved needs to be consenting [adults]. From what I gather, she's "consenting" because she's by nature submissive. To use the phrase he's "topping from the bottom," and I have to wonder that if in the end he'll actually get what he desires.

    As I said to her, I think the best course of action is professional counseling. I think there's a bit more to the story, especially on his end.
     
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  5. Joey love
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    Joey love Long term member

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    So it’s very hard to get the big picture from just a few paragraphs but it sounds like you’ve had a very strong relationship and certainly worth the effort to fix what’s not working. In my opinion, the paragraph where you talk about part time chastity starting in September is the key. That’s when it was fun and if you’re ok with that then that may be the reset spot. I keep hearing about what he wants. He wants a female led relationship
    He wants full chastity
    He wants you to be a cruel Domme
    He wants to be humiliated
    Too bad what he wants- that’s not how it works
    You’ve said you did some some role reversal so do a little more now. Take the key and take off his cage. Tell him you will put it back on him when you get what you want. If not it goes in the trash.
    In this situation it seems you both have to compromise a bit. I hope you can work through this and wish you the best of luck
     
  6. ReluctantMistress
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    ReluctantMistress New member

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    Divorce??? After 29 years, two kids (one with 24/7 care Special Needs), marriage, and mortgage - not hardly! We love each other. We need and depend on each other. We're life partners. That isn't going to change. What we do in the bedroom is separate from life outside the bedroom. We have a good, strong, stable marriage.

    I certainly wouldn't say that we're "not sexually compatible." We've been lovers for 20 years, and neither of us is looking to get our jollies elsewhere. We're very good together, and things are as hot and satisfying now as they were in college!

    I think my biggest problem is that I'm now in a position where I have to change, and I don't know how. I have to evolve, to adjust and adapt, but how do I make this transition?
     
  7. Adam444
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    Adam444 Long term member

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    Maybe I'm a little confused but you said you wanted your man back not a sniveling worm, didn't want to beat him because you were afraid of hurting him, and found it difficult to degrade his horse sized penis. That doesn't sound sexually compatible to me. With all due respect, if he is truly looking for a submissive relationship you're probably not going to make a very good Domme. It's mostly going to be an act on your part and he's already trying to top from the bottom, which isn't how submission generally works.

    But if you want to give it a try there's a thousands of messages here on how to dominate. Every relationship is different and you two probably need to spend some time talking about how this is going to work. Maybe it's that you keep him caged most of the time and let him pleasure you, along with whatever other "tasks" you find submitting or humiliating. Make it clear than when you do take off the cage he's gotta perform like a stallion and if he doesn't his bottom is getting beaten until he can't sit for a week.
     
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  8. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Maybe you should set aside one weekend a month where you play the role of a dominate mistress. Think of it as role play and try to have fun with it and push his limits. Outside of those defined days, he doesn’t wear a cage or bug you with subbie stuff.
     
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  9. Adam444
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    Adam444 Long term member

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    That's a great suggestion!
     
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  10. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    And use it strictly to your advantage. Going out of town without him to see family? Lock him up and give him a list of chores to get done before you get home. Give his subbie character a name and when you want him gone and your husband back you tell him who you expect when he meets you at the door. When he has his subbie time, degrade him and compare him to “your husband”. If you think of them as two separate people, you may be able to compartmentalize things and have your normal husband most of the time. It’s like sending him to a pro domme to work out his kink but you are the pro domme.
     
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  11. sissyblueballs
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    sissyblueballs Long term member

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    That's actually pretty good advice.
     
  12. tegelad
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    tegelad Class and sophistication in all things

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    You actually do have a choice, and you can get what you want and still feel desired.

    Treat chastity like a treat along with the other things you like and desire. Also you don't have to use a key, you can get a numbered plastic lock.

    You feel hurt and that is understandable, but it isn't about the sex aspect. It is in the fact you feel he has been dishonest to you about his core being and has lied to you. You do have a right to feel that way, but also the other thing to remember is he probably knew this also and hid it from you because he knew of your reaction.

    Do note I am not blaming you. IT does suck, but remember for the first time he is being honest with you. Remember that much. Chasity and power play can make a relationship stronger. So if you want your knight in shining armor, tell him that and state your fantasy and core being needs this in the same way his desires needs his. If your partner ship is 50/50, then state ok ... we can do this "but" it has to be 50/50. If during the time you desire a traditional man, you can tell him he can wear his chastity but you will have nothing to do with it and in fact it disturbs you that he needs a device for something he should provide.

    Lastly, a middle ground compromise you could make is that his orgasms can only go in you.

    Good luck
     
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  13. Guest 3729
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    Guest 3729 Long term member

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    @ReluctantMistress
    If that's not what you want and you're not happy then don't do it. I understand there is the want to make your partner happy but if you feel like you've lost part of yourself then this type of relationship isn't maintainable for the long run for you or him. Perhaps you could come to a compromise and switch after a determined amount of time like you had been doing previously.

    From personal experience I can tell you that chastity can be addicting especially when it's new and can make us men feel like there's no other way we'd want to live. Given enough time and when things settle in he may not be so die hard about it. All that being said, the idea behind Chastity is that it's about our KH's wants and desires so the fact that he is a pain slut is irrelevant to you, if you don't want to inflict pain on him then you shouldn't. As are all the other kinks of his that you don't have interest in, totally irrelevant. Most men who claim that they're subs change their tune after they realize their KH won't freely indulge in their kinks.

    You could really test him and see how committed he is to being your sub if he thinks this is what he wants. Take away the kinks from him that you don't have any interested in and see if he whines or is non compliant because he's not getting his way. Let him know that's how things are going to be if you're in charge.

    As far as the things you like such as being pounced on, it is still possible. There are always ways to work around issues like this. If you are willing, you could always have a strapon ready to go and he could still catch you off guard and use it on you while still remaining chaste and your submissive. Just some food for thought.

    Overall, you need to do what makes you happy, whatever lifestyle you decide on and he needs to understand that.
     
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  14. LadyBlaze
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    LadyBlaze Queen of Everything
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    This is the approach I would choose in a situation like this. Maybe you should hire a Pro Domme to show you his limits so you stop being afraid of hurting him.
     
  15. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    You can't be made to feel a certain way, or to desire a certain thing, or to respond to stimuli on tap. It's unfair to ask you. It feels to me that your husband wants everything - total acceptance of his need.

    What about yours?

    For the sake of the marriage, he needs to reflect on his desire for total submission and consider whether the halfway house you previously had could still work for him. It might not be perfect, and give him everything he wants. But as it stands you're not getting anything of what you want.

    You deserve better than that.
     
  16. steviepie
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    steviepie inferior and unworthy male

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    I have sent a message to your in-box on CM if I can help with the how...….I can also be reached via the mini-chat feature in the lower right of your screen. Please feel free.
     
  17. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    Dear Reluctant, your situation sounds awful, I'm so sorry your husband put you in this position. He is at least seriously misguided on how chastity works.

    Many here have advice for you. I say:do only what you WANT to do. Take his cage off and put it in a drawer. Don't put it on again until YOU want to see him locked up.

    It sounds like he's high on kink and not hearing/seeing his bride''s discomfort at all. Have a frank conversation in the daylight about everything that you're uncomfortable with. If you want a "switch" sex life, insist on it. He can't force you into his kink.
    You asked how to transform to fit his kink. No one in their right mind here would tell you to do that. Male chastity is centered on FEMALE PLEASURE AND HAPPINESS, the cage is just a tool. Please, please reach out to the women here and only do what turns YOU on.
    <3 <3
     
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  18. hardbodysub
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    hardbodysub BrokeTheMold

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    Looks to me more like he's "bottoming from the top," and she's consented, not because she's submissive, but just because she doesn't know what else to do.
     
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  19. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    I don't have all the answers, although I agree with some of @Jessica Alexander's thoughts, but I do want to highlight the need to take him seriously. There's lots of knee-jerk reaction here that a guy's topping from the bottom or that it has to be her way only.

    Or there's the view, quoted here, that he's been dishonest or is lying. I don't think that's fair and doesn't help @ReluctantMistress with her very real marital problem. People change, people's sexual needs and identities change. Look around at how many husbands discover and accept their submissiveness in their 40s and 50s, as they mature and grow out of some of the toxic aspects of socialized "masculinity" and accept chastity as part of that growth path. I would never have believed in my 30s that I'd be where I M today, with my erections controlled so that I can use that alpha energy to get closer to and more intimate with my wife and try to heal from machine's damage. It's real and we don't help @ReluctantMistress by saying he's just kinking on her. The question is how do they integrate this evolving need into their marriage. The answer is with love, communication, and compromise. Given the love in their marriage I'm sure there will be a lot of talk and discussion. To @ReluctantMistress I would point out that this can be an opportunity for you to improve your marriage -- he's very open right now to hearing you and to fix all the little things you've wanted to improve in him and in your relationship.
     
  20. Dumb1
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    Dumb1 senior member

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    The good part in all of this is that through his desire for this kink you have found a place where you too can express your feelings and ask for help from others who are maybe in a position to at least listen and hopefully share some advice. From my take on it your husband seems to all intents and purposes equally happy with everything but as can be the case sometimes the fulfillment of one kink fuels another and another and the reality can become blurred in all the new found excitement. To become the person your husband thinks he wants you to become would in actual reality change you completely from the person he fell in love with and has continued to love for all the time you have been together. As others have said you must stop everything and tell him that you need to sit and discuss this calmly and try to reach a level of relationship that can work for you both and unless that level can be agreed then all kink stops until you can agree. I do hope you get things sorted amicably i feel he just needs to understand that fantasy and reality are totally seperate things and although they can be managed to make them work together there is always a dividing line between the two. Thanks for sharing.
     
  21. steviepie
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    steviepie inferior and unworthy male

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    and I'm here now if you would like to use mini-chat
     
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  22. Living Curious
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    Living Curious Long-term lockee

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    I heard once, I don't remember where, that compatibility is the result of love and not a prerequisite. It may very well be that there are currently incompatibilities in the sexual relationship but if there is love then a couple has an excellent foundation from which to build/rebuild/renovate a compatible sexual relationship.
     
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  23. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    From the limited information you have shared it sounds like you have been great lovers over the years and truly love each other but your husbands fantasies are a sexual problem that needs to be addressed. I think one of the first problems is your anger towards the situation. From the outside it appears your husband cares so much for you that he shared his deepest secrets and his vulnerabilities. Instead of being angry embrace what he shared with you. You need to discuss and maybe go to counseling but somehow you should find a way to satisfy what he has shared with you. With that being said, it should certainly not be all about him. You said he knows that this is not what you want but you obviously have sexual desires of being pounced on and probably more. Did you ever open yourself up to him the way he did to you? If he truly loves you like it appears he will probably want to help with your fantasies as much as he is asking for your help with his. Discuss as hard as it may be just remember he opened himself up you should do the same. Good luck and I hope you can enjoy the love you two have for each other and respect and embrace each other’s sexual fantasies.
     
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  24. Living Curious
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    Living Curious Long-term lockee

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    Your frustration is palpable and I can certainly empathize with you. You've made some excellent steps towards resolving (what I perceive to be) this impasse in that you've identified, specifically, how you feel about some specific situations, encounters, or behaviors. Give yourself a lot of credit for that. That's pretty huge.

    Once you name the problem you can then start to address it.

    There's no way someone could give you all the answers, or really any answers, in a short reply in a forum such as this, but I'd like to try and give some food for thought.

    You seem to be approaching this from the viewpoint of keyholder = dominant and locked = submissive. Indeed, by the nature of the acts that is exactly the case, on some level. However, just because someone is dominant does not mean they can no longer bottom, and just because someone is submissive and locked doesn't mean they can't top. This probably isn't news to you but it can sometimes help to be reminded.

    Physically and literally, a chastity device has only one single, solitary effect on sex: his penis can't be used to penetrate. For experienced practitioners of BDSM, this doesn't actually take much off the table. Unless his actual penis absolutely must be used for a given activity then a strap-on could potentially be substituted, and a lot of sex can be had with the penis not even involved.

    My wife had the same complaint as you, that she didn't like giving up me initiating and the feeling of being 'taken' or 'ravished.' I asked her if we could just try substituting a strap-on for my penis a few times and otherwise keep the encounter the same, and see how she liked it. She agreed. After a couple months we had 'vanilla sex' again and she admitted, in her words, "I think sex with you locked is better."

    My wife, like you, is not dominant and it's tough for her to get into the headspace of wanting to top. I am also not dominant but it's easier for me to get into the headspace for topping and given our current dynamic, topping her feels submissive to me. It just so happens that getting her needs met as a bottom really helps rev up her desire to top and situationally dominate, so it all works out in the end.

    I'm a complete (forever) submissive, preferably bottom but willing to service top to meet the needs of my partner. My wife doesn't identify as either dom or sub (I disagree, she's a switch that leans towards dominant bottom or as some people term it, a brat. But I digress.) and prefers to bottom but is happy to situationally act as a dominant and be a top, provided I help her get into that headspace.

    As I read what you wrote I get the sense that you are facing the dilemma of your husband wanting you to be a complete dom and always the top and wanting himself to be a complete submissive and always the bottom, and you're lost in responding to this utter paradigm shift. You view locking up his penis in some way or another limiting his ability to be the MAN you need. None of this would bother you if it was situational but the dilemma stems from feeling like he needs it to be FOREVER.

    There is room here for compromise and ways for you both to get what you need from each other, believe it or not. It will take some doing and won't happen overnight, but you seem to be willing to put in the work if you only knew what that work was, but you feel a little hopeless right now.

    I can't tell you, unfortunately. You and your husband have to figure it out for yourself. You have to figure out, specifically, what you want and need, and then figure out what mixture of dom/sub, top/bottom, situational/forever works for you. A herculean effort, for sure.

    This is all in answer to how I perceive things based on just a few sentences from you and obviously, you're the only one who can know if any of this is applicable or not and to what degree. With that being said, I would HIGHLY recommend seeking professional help from a kink-aware therapist. I have no doubt you and your husband can work this all out alone, but a professional could likely help you cut down the time and effort to do so 90%. A professional can usually help in these situations where you feel like you're stuck in first gear, help nudge the situation along to second and third gear. They don't drive the car, just help you keep from grinding the gears.

    The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom or NCSF maintains a directory of kink-aware professionals and it's an excellent resource to find qualified professionals in many different fields, and perhaps most valuable, a mental health practitioner who won't pathologize BDSM. Here's the link. I used it to find my current sexologist and we recently used it to find a couple's therapist. You have to view the directory on a desktop, though. Their mobile site is horrible.

    I'm also more than happy to have a conversation by PM if you'd like.
     
    Hut6000, Breathe, Gigaman and 4 others like this.
  25. AprilC
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    AprilC Active member

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    demand him to be different, the mistress prerogative
     

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