My transition from being a vanilla wife to Keyholder.

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by Beautiful and her footman, Jan 15, 2018.

  1. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    My honest truth: I never thought I'd be here.

    I was living the vanilla life prior to meeting my husband. I had wanted to try new things, but either wasn't with a partner I trusted well enough yet, or I trusted said partner, but they had no interest in branching out and trying new things. Shocking, I know.

    When I met my husband, we felt very comfortable with each other in general because we had both been in similar situations with our previous spouses. So, comfort in conversation came easy to us. When the time arrived for us to talk about our wants, needs, desires, etc., it wasn't difficult for me to admit that I wanted to try new things. But I just wasn't sure what. However, my husband was a little more slow to reveal things he wanted to try. Although he did not have much experience in this lifestyle with a partner, there were some things he had tried on his own (joined forums such as this, made a few friends that were already in this lifestyle, etc.). So compared to me, he already had experience, where I had none.

    After a short while, he confided in me and told me some of his fantasies in this area. I could tell he was waiting for a horrified reaction from me. But he didn't get one. Although I had no idea what most of what he told me meant, I was interested in finding out, even if I couldn't promise I would want to try all, some, or any of what he was interested in.

    After a little bit of him explaining to me what he was looking to try, we started looking at cages, going to a group once a month a few times, and testing out the chastity waters.

    We eventually tried this for real. We made a set of rules, rewards, punishments. Everything. But I will admit, I failed him. It wasn't that I didn't try the things he wanted. It was that I tried them, was ok with it, but did not make a conscious effort to keep it up on a regular basis. At one point we stopped. He wasn't happy. It's not that he wasn't happy with my performance when I did my part. He was happy that I didn't do my part consistently. And I will say, he was quite justified in his feelings. He was being the BEST footman and making sure he was doing everything he agreed to when we started. But I wasn't. So his displeasure was with him doing what he agreed to, but I wasn't.

    He didn't say anything right away because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. When he finally said something, I felt so embarrassed. Not because he called me out for not fulfilling my end, but because I knew how important this was to him and I did not make it a priority.

    After months of not doing this, I actually started to miss it. In December '17 I brought up trying again to my footman. I think he was slightly shocked. But, we restarted.

    I will say that since we have restarted, I have made sure to be consistent and incorporate this in our DAILY life. I have noticed (as well as received verbal confirmation from my footman) that my footman has been MUCH happier this go around. I also have been much happier. I see how much this means to him, I see how happy my effort makes him, and even though he strives to please me, it pleases me to know he is also pleased.

    We already have plans to expand our exploring (once I've mastered what we're currently doing).

    You may be vanilla now, but you can decide to become whatever flavor you want. I DID.

    -Beautiful
     
  2. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    Welcome Beautiful,

    Thank you for sharing your story. Its nice to see a woman perspective especially coming from an admitted vanilla wife. I can attest to how frustrating chastity can be with a wife who seems disinterested in chastity lol. This is me and my wife's second go at chastity and so far its not going so well.

    Can I ask what was it about chastity that you missed?
     
  3. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    I used to me a single mom. So I was used to doing everything for the two of us on my own. I was also used to doing for others, but not really receiving much (if anything) in return.

    Fortunately, my footman is very big on trying to please me. When creating our rules, one was that he would massage my legs and feet each night (which he frequently offered prior to beginning this venture). And that was just one of the perks I received when we first started this lifestyle. He would do chores around the house that I didn't care for. Or errands I didn't feeling like running myself.

    Once we took a break, the majority of those things stopped. Not because he was trying to be mean. But just because he did not have the energy to try and please when he wasn't receiving much from me.

    I also missed doing what I could to please him. I also like to please. And to know that I had an important way to please my footman, but wasn't....it saddened me. And I missed seeing his smile, that I had earned.

    I also missed trying new things. Don't get me wrong, I'm positive that if I told my footman that I wanted to try something new, he would most likely agree. But if I was going to do that, why not resume our chastity lifestyle?

    Lastly, I missed earning his agreement to do those chores and errands I didn't care for.

    - Beautiful
     
  4. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    Welcome and enjoy here. And congratulations! The variations possible are almost endless, and there's plenty of tie for you to pick and choose those you like and ignore those you don't. Any questions: just ask!!
     
  5. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    Yes there are always chores and such that no-one wants to do. I can attest though that being in chastity can highly motivate us men to do those things for various reasons. I do them to give her more time with me, to make it easier on her, and lastly because when locked up we tend to dwell on our situation too much, having something to preoccupy ourselves with can take our minds off of it. While we do this for our wives we also need some sort of acknowledgment, I know we are pretty petty lol, and it doesnt take much. A remark or two,, maybe a text message. Even a pat on the groin sometimes can be enough to make it all worthwhile during the week. The more acknowledgment and crumbs we are given the more satisfied with helping we will become. It will also make us much more motivated to please more :D
     
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  6. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    It has been said in almost every well written book/forum/website out there that chastity will not fix a broken relationship. Without a heathy relationship with your partner, the chastity bridge would be difficult to cross. Even with the honest and trusting relationship we share now, it takes a lot of communication and work from both sides.


    When Beautiful first asked me what I wanted from this I didn’t really have a clear-cut answer. I knew that fantasy of chastity was nothing like what the reality was going to be but I wasn’t sure what I needed. In a way, I think we were like two virgins on prom night. While I had been to a few local munches and had some experience with self-bondage, I had no experience doing this with a partner. We started out with a few rules and some vague ideas. We had our own ‘demos’ where we went over how to safely and effectively use different toys. We renegotiated every so often and had a routine going but in the end, we somehow ended up back in our normal vanilla routine.


    Beautiful said in her post that she failed. Did she? I don't think so. I tell her that the difference between the master and the apprentice is that the master has failed more times than the apprentice has tried. Not to mention I couldn’t really give her a clear picture of what I needed from her. Besides that, the forums are full of wives who put little to no effort into understanding chastity. There are even more spouses that freak out or get down-right angry with their significant other when they open up about their fantasies. I don’t think she failed, I think we did. I don’t think that’s a big deal either, it’s just one of two possible outcomes of trying something new.


    Now we are about a month into our second run and we seem to be off to a good start. We have a new routine going and more importantly, we both have a better understanding of what the other wants and needs. She will tell you that she had a hard time wrapping her head around the concept that saying, “no” was not only ok, but preferable to saying, “yes.” I, a normally patient person, struggle with keeping things at a slow pace for her.


    We started our relationship reading “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. I really think thats all chastity is. This is a way for her to speak to me in a way that I feel loved. Fortunately for me, the things I already do for her, rubbing her feet, cooking and serving her dinner, or taking care of her in any number of ways, speaks to her. Done right, this is a win-win for us. From the time we started dating I did a large chunk of the chores. I did most the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. That’s not to say she doesn’t help out. We really are a team when it comes to everything. She can tell when I’m tired or hurting and I need help but won’t ask for it. I guess doing those things in the chastity setting makes me feel more appreciated, and therefore, loved. She’s always said thank you and shown appreciation, chastity or not. Why is it different? I can’t really say.


    Anyway, this is droning on too long. In summary, I love where we are right now and I’m excited about the journey we are on. Being new to all this may mean that we’re going to make some more mistakes, but it also means we get to have so many new experiences. I look to forward to going through all of them with Her.


    -the footman
     
  7. Joan.t
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    Joan.t Long term member

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    Not only the ones new to this, but veterans also make mistakes, I like to say that there's a fine line on achieving the right balance and this line is always changing, always on the move, what's fine for today is not necessarily so for tomorrow, if everything is going the right path, love will grow and with it changing the road of the journey.
     
  8. guest 2942
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    We only learn by making mistakes. Sounds like you two are looking to work on the mistakes together and really thats the best you can do. It will never be perfect. But with time and communication you can get there. Two willing partners is all it takes. Good luck to you both.
     
  9. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    I agree. Some sort of acknowledgement is a must. I am very big on being and feeling appreciated. And in return, I do my best to show appreciation for anything I receive (in life, in general). So with that being said, one of the things that my footman and I do is a points system. I verbally show him appreciation whenever he does something for me or does a good job. But in addition, there is a list of house chores and errands. And each chore or errand has a point value next to it. When he completes a chore, errand, or task, he earns those points. I also created a "menu" of things he likes. After he accrues points, he redeems them for an item or items on the menu. Now, that doesn't mean I don't show him physical appreciation. I do, but we also incorporate this as well. This helps keep him motivated, and SOMETIMES makes the most mundane chore, task, or errand fun.

    However, my footman enjoys it the MOST when I verbally tell him that he has pleased me.
     
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  10. Joan.t
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    Joan.t Long term member

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    Give and receive, the key for a fulfilling life, nothing more, nothing less.
    Life is a whole, people go here and look what we are talking about and it seems we are only talking about sex, but is not so, we are talking about life and love, sometimes a little ruthless? yes, but that's only the surface, deep inside there's a lot more, more meaning, more values, more love.
     
  11. Dumb1
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    Dumb1 senior member

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    What a fantastic post showing the various pitfalls that can come into anything new when entered into but it also shows how no problem if shared cannot be overcome or adapted in a way it can be more readily accepted. You sound like a very caring couple who have made each others lives all the more fulfilled by taking a little time to find out what each is searching for. Enjoy it together and please keep sharing.
     
  12. Joan.t
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    Joan.t Long term member

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    True, true, true, I'll repeat that many times to everyone that take love as a way to manage others to their kinks and wishes.
     
  13. Guest 3729
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    Hi and thank you for sharing! My wife and I have been practicing chastity for 3 years and there have been many ups and downs. You mentioned consistency and I think that is what many couples struggle with when it comes to chastity. My wife is still very inconsistent with punishments, rule making and following up on those rules/punishments etc... One thing my wife has been consistent with is her domme attitude, don't get me wrong she is a sweet person but she'll make it very clear to me if she's displeased with something I've done or said and she's most certainly in charge in the bedroom.

    I do believe that the mistress's/kh's/goddesses etc... still have the harder part to play. Unless it comes naturally, you ladies have to put on act and perform the domme persona and that I would imagine is challenging if it doesn't come naturally or if you're not used acting like that. I'm sure the behavior starts to feel natural after a while but then you have to come up with new ideas to keep things interesting for you both. My mistress is in graduate school plus we're raising a 4 year old so sometimes there is just no time whatsoever and that's tough for both of us.

    Anyway sorry to ramble, I hope to see more posts from you :)
     
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  14. Miss Alison
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    Welcome!

    Don't feel like you failed, You both are so new at this! Your needs/wants/desires/limits/etc will change and shift as you go along.

    I'm so glad you've found something that's working for you!
     
  15. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    I, myself had a difficult time being consistent with punishments the first time we tried this. We had rules all made up. We had punishments all made up...but I had a difficult time following through with the punishments.

    Part of it is that my footman is so good to me, to punish him made me feel bad. But, in addition, when I did punish him the first time, I could see visible evidence right away. That freaked me out to the max.

    He tried to assure me it looked worse than it felt. But I felt horrible. It has taken practice to be consistent and not lose it when seeing the result of punishment.

    It gets a little easier each time. But I still struggle with it at times.

    -Beautiful
     
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  16. Metalman
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    Metalman Long term member

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    Beautiful,

    I love your story.
    It is so beautiful the way you care for him, and the way you admitted to him and yourself that you didn’t do your part the way you could have...

    Most of us don’t take responsibility, and put the fault somewhere else. The way you went back to it with a renewed spirit is awesome.

    You do it mostly, it seems, because it makes him so happy. I hope you’re relationship will move a bit closer to FLR, and that you will receive as much (and more) than you give :D

    You’re husband will live it (believe me)
     
  17. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    Thank you very much for your nice response. I thoroughly enjoy reading these.

    - Beautiful
     
  18. Subbyinpanties
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    Thanks for sharing. We’ve been at this for 17 years and we are still learning and growing. That’s the beauty of any relationship and I for one love our FLR. In fact it too until Christmas for chastity to become part of our lifestyle. It has strengthened our relationship and I am constantly reminded of her presence
     
  19. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    Thank you for sharing the ups and downs of your journey. It can be such a rollercoaster ride trying to get both of you in the same place at the same time it's great to see you have accepted this and are continuing to find your way.

    I hope you continue to enjoy the discovery.
     
  20. PuellaPurpurea
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    It looks like you've already been warmly welcomed to the Mansion, but another can't hurt! We're happy to have you!

    I must say, your story really resonated with me. Ever since my boy first brought up the notion of chastity several years ago, I've always loved playing the ruthless but loving KH/domme with him but have still periodically struggled to be consistent with punishments and return to chastity after breaks. I'm hoping to turn that trend around from here on out and be the confident mistress that he deserves.

    I'm happy to hear you're doing so much better so quickly! It sounds like you two communicate very well, so keep it up, and I wish you the best of luck in your kinky adventures, wherever they may lead!
     
  21. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    I have struggled with consistency, truly. And yes, also with punishments. I'm a very mommy type. I don't like seeing those I care about hurt. So the punishments are more difficult for that reason, I feel.

    I also struggle with confidence with this lifestyle. Since this is still new to me, I always question myself (even though footman verbally tells me frequently that I'm doing very well and much better than last time). But, like you, I strive to be confident in this area, as I feel it will help me grow as a person, and help me to be more confident in my every day life.

    I'm usually confident with things I know very well. However, as a whole, still working on this in every aspect of my life.

    And thank you for the kind welcome and message.

    - Beautiful
     
  22. MadamBelle
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    MadamBelle Active member

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    Welcome to the mansion for one, and thank you for your story!! I really enjoy when I find similar situations as my own. We have only been at it since sept last year, and had our first big hiccup due to job and schedule changes... Reading this I realize why he was being the way he was... I had neglected him. So he in turn was neglecting me.... I'm looking forward to reading more of your story. !!! Thank you.
     
  23. Eillydray
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    Eillydray Slave at my wife's feet, MistressG

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    Thank you for sharing, I recognise many of the things you have mentioned from over 5 years of using Chastity on and off in our marriage. I think the biggest barrier for consistency is life getting in the way. We recently had a break in December due to travelling with extended family but are back in the game now.

    @MistressG and I have recently finished reading the five love languages and found it very interesting. It transpires that her preference is for “acts of service” and mine is “physical touch” which seems to be a pretty natural combination for a wide led marriage.

    We have spoken about how our pasts may have shaped these preferences and found it to quite insightful. It was also interesting to read about “choosing to love” with your partners preferred love language.

    At the moment I think our love tanks are pretty full and it’s working out really well, I’m carrying out lots of acts of service and @MistressG is using physical touch to keep me motivated.

    In my mind it doesn’t matter if her touch is a punishment or a reward or indeed how full on or subtle it is, I think it boils down to knowing that she is thinking about me.

    Enjoy your journey x
     
  24. Joan.t
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    Joan.t Long term member

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    Rereading this thread it came to me that I should always remember how trustful is that saying!
     
  25. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Long term member

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    I completely understand. I have become really good at reading footman. I can tell when something is not right, or bothering him. Even if I don't know exactly what it is, I will find out and make it right.

    - Beautiful
     
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