Is Your Partner/KH Naturally Dominant?

My wife and KH is normally a switch when it comes to bdsm.

But when it comes to our chasity arrangement she is firm and assertive and does not bend, while still being a playful tease.

 

What a wonderful question, and for me just as complicated as its subject matter.

If I would have asked her this a year ago she most definitely would have said submissive...and been wrong. Maybe she was, but it wasn't what she wanted, it was what she thought was expected.

When I brought up being submissive sexually and needing her to be in control one of the first things she said was that she has always been kind of a control freak when it comes to relationships but that usually doesn't go over very well. It's seen as nagging, clingy, bitchy, and to be avoided. She fell in love with the power of being my kh fairly quickly. I remember the first time we made love after our discussion, she climbed on top and said I will be on top from m now on, and really has been there ever since.

She does however have a need to please as well. It's not all restraints, rules, and paddles. She feels a need to please me as well. She has no problem giving me a back rub, wanting to draw me a bath, etc, all without me asking. She loves me, and who doesn't like doing things for someone you love?

Sexually speaking it probably was the one thing that wasn't natural. She has had men hit her, and treat her poorly, verbal and physical. To accept devotion and unreciprocated affection was new. She was the one used to being swatted on the ass and being told she was their little slut. She liked it, she asked me to be that way with her before all this. Now I swat her a little and she looks at me like are you kidding me! Better watch it!

I think women are more dominant naturally than people give them credit for, it just doesn't show up as whips and chains. Most women are the deciding factor when sexual activity happens, decide where we live, how the home looks, where to go eat, go on vacation, and if major purchases happen. They usually decide most child rearing and even the clothes we wear. What do men typically decide...the remote control and the hand full of crap we put in the corner of the basement that aren't allowed anywhere else in the house.

Just saying that I believe females are naturally dominant, but usually a lot more subtle than a leather catsuit, and due to society's public persona, are trained at a young age to ignore those instincts.

 

Been married for 33 years and my wife has always been a housewife, mother and good partner and supporter. Then, about 5-6 years ago, when I was 66 and She was about 57, She caught me wearing panties one day. At first, She very emotionally reacted, thinking that I was gay, had another woman, no longer found Her attractive, etc, etc. Then, after lots of discussion about my feminine side, etc and how it need not affect our marriage, She slowly came around. Then one day, She put me on the spot to test my sincerity and commitment to my feminine side - by daring me to go to a lingerie store for a bra fitting. For me, that was a big decision point. On one hand, I really wanted to do it and on the other, I knew that I would be embarrassed and humiliated. Well, I did it.

Since then, She has embraced a more dominant role in our marriage, little by little. At first, kidding me about Donnasue, then teasing me and then finding ways to humiliate me. It turned out that I loved it and so She continued, on and on. After a couple of years of this, She had become more in charge of everything from our finances, social appointments, etc. During this time, I retired. We experimented with chastity on the honor system, but it soon became obvious that I had been dishonorable, and so She insisted that we get a cage. I think that, at first, She played along with my feminine interests to accommodate my desires, but now that has evolved into a real FLR. We are both adjusted to it and love it. But, it has not been without its ups and downs. But we are very open in our communication and work through whatever comes up pretty quickly, before things get out of hand.

For a long time, I think I felt that I was really in charge and was "allowing Her" to be the boss, but now I have fully submitted to Her and it is wonderful!

 

Only in regards to my chastity is my wife even slightly dominant, but even then not very much. She loves controlling me sexually, but if I resist even a little she yields to me and let's me have my way.

It's also evident in that she wants my chastity to be something I do for her, not something she does to me. She does not really want to be in charge of making it happen. She finds it more manly (and more of a turn on) if I willingly do it for her.

 

Thanks @Mistress Jules for starting this thread. I also raised this question in my thread "are you naturally submissive". Speaking for me it's hard for her to be what I consider dominant because it comes with my pre-conceived notions. For example I think that in order for her to be dominant she needs to punish me for not living up to expectations. This didn't come naturally to her. The first time she spanked me with a riding crop it was what I would call an erotic spanking. In other words it turned me on. A punishment spanking by comparison I just want to stop. She has grown in her comfort level with this over time and now can administer a serious punishment. Just yesterday she walked in on me and caught me by surprise when I was playing with the magic wand on my cage. She had me strip and hold the wand to my cage while she spanked me with the crop and asked me "does that sill feel good?" I don't think she could get to this point without being naturally dominant, but it takes a learning curve to bring that to the surface.

Ironically one area she has always been dominant is in that she does 90% of the driving while I am the passenger. Even in strange cities when we rent a car she's been behind the wheel all the way through our marriage. I guess it was a metaphor for where we were headed all along.

 

One of the qualities that initially attracted me to my wife (in addition to her many other wonderful qualities!) is her naturally dominant personality. I was the only "non-jock" she had ever dated and she said she found it refreshing because she was always butting heads with her jock boyfriends who she wouldn't tolerate for long before "kicking them to the curb." I'm very lucky in that that she had no problem embracing her "dominant-side" once I let her know about my "submissive-side."

 

My wife/KH is naturally submissive. She is a people pleaser and wants to stay that way. She likes the role of Mistress of the house but not in a D/s sense of the word. Her best friend is naturally dominant and a feminist who refused to accept any form of traditional female role. She never cooked, cleaned or anything else. My wife was a wife to both her girlfriend and myself. She would moan with pleasure when inflicting pain on me and her thighs would be soaked with her lubrication. I think we had intercoure 3 times in 30 years but it was with me in a lot of pain while she choked and slapped me. She got my wife to deny me intercourse too. We did not do S&M all the time. We also made love to each other, outside of our threesomes. I had the best of both worlds.

I lived with a girl for a year who cuckolded me. First without my knowledge. I was only 19 and it took me a few months to realize that the funny taste during intercourse was other men's semen. I did not stop her as we were not in love and I knew I was moving far away at the end of the year. She was dominant and spent the weekends at her girlfriend's house where they both dominated her girlfriend's sub. She never invited me and I would not have gone anyway. We broke up when she had a gang bang with three of my friends and told me to lick her clean. That was the day I found my limits.

 

No she is not. She would be more Naturally Submisive but as she's been growing as my KH she is starting to enjoy it a lot

 

The problem is that we cannot see inside our partners'/wife's' head so the introduction to something like male chastity might 'flick a switch'. In my case I would say that she has a view on what roles are male and what are female which doesn't mean she doesn't fight her corner (and usually win) when she has to.

 

Seeing the kick my wife gets from humiliating and punishing me, I'd say she is dominant ;-) It was one of the first things I noticed when dating her, that she was a little bit dominating and I enjoyed the fact, unaware that we would discover the pleasures of BSDM together later on. That said she does enjoy a switch-around where I take a litte contro.. but I'm the only one in a chastity device..

 

all i know is that She is lots more than me and other Ladys are as well i think.

 

She has been more dominate the past week or so more than I would have ever expected. I am beginning to think that she has a truly dominate side that has been in hiding all this time... She even admits to enjoying watching me suffer... I can only hope for more

 

I believe that we have at least two sides two us. The person that everyone sees on a daily bases and our inner self the person we really are. My Mistress has become a lot more Dominant as our chastity relationship has grown. Before chastity she wouldn't get wet without some kind of physical stimulation. Now it's very common for her to get wet from turning my backside red or having me do something to my self like stroking her property or penetrating my self with a dildo. Chastity has helped to bring out her more Dominant self. She has started to enjoy being it control, it has taken some time but I'm positive she doesn't want to go back to the way things were before This has also become more noticeable in so called normal life. She just needed something to bring out her more dominant self.

 

Oh and I forgot to mention...she gets a grin that I can't describe if she gives me a ruined orgasm and sees I'm still desperate. Another type of grin when I jump a bit after a good smack with the paddle. I don't think that is learned, both of those looked like natural responses.

And...the first time she paddled me or poured wax on me, she was wetter than I have ever felt her. So mentally some of this stuff was there, she just didn't know it.

 

She didn't know it. But now she does. Very Exciting

 

Another interesting thread from the mind of the Mistress. Thanks @Mistress Jules

 

My wife is naturally assertive and dominant, but not in the classic BDSM Mistress kind of way.

She likes me being in chastity, prefers me that way, and will quickly tell me that chastity is necessary to keep me subdued.

She is a very lusty woman and expects to orgasm multiple times every day, or at least every second day. The ironic thing is that she *loves* penetrative sex, but not enough to let me out of the cage(!). So instead I spend a lot of time working her over with my mouth and tongue. Every 1-2 weeks she will let me out for an orgasm. Sometimes I'm not permitted to cum in her though, but instead masturbate on her breasts while she watches. At all times I'm expected to clean up after myself. She REALLY likes that. But she never swallows cum. Ever. And in 16 years of marriage she's never let me cum in her mouth.

Our lovemaking is heavy on petting on oral. She can kiss and make out for hours. It's an aggressive form though, where she is quietly and subtly in charge. She grabs handfuls of my hair, she scratches me all over with her fingernails, and she bites. Everywhere.

She pegs me, but not often. Maybe once or twice a month. Which is about the same number of times I'll find myself cuffed/chained/tied up.

I like and prefer to be physically punished when I mess up (spanking, whipping) but she doesn't enjoy performing corporal punishment on me that very much. She goes through phases where she will crop me and then (sadly) the crop goes away for weeks on end. About the only thing that guarantees me a whipping is if I forget to fill up the car with gas.

In short we are in a classic FLR with very strong BDSM overtones but not so much that it mirrors the comical porn version you see on Tumbler.

 

If you were to ask my wife if she was naturally dominant she would say no. If fact when we were discussing my chastity this was one thing she was sure she would not be. And whilst I know that she can be very assertive when she wants to and stubborn at times; one of the reasons I asked her to be my key-holder was because of this trait. We are into week two of an initial chastity trial of a fortnight so I'm looking forward to finding out how she has felt during this time and if it her view has changed.

 

Great thread.

I asked my Wife @n2toys this evening if she considered herself naturally dominant? - "Yes, I've always been independent and strong willed"
What about initially in the bedroom? - "No, not initially"
What about now in the bedroom - "Yes!"
She used the analogy it's like trying different sports and then discovering what you enjoy and are good at... - I could not agree more!

I've always had a fetish for kink and enjoy being dominated.
Years ago I initiated some kinky play to spice things up and we would often switch.
My Wife does not crave being bound at all; she'd do it as part of play and to allow me some fun - my fetish when I was the Top was to give forced orgasms.

Shortly after I was locked the dynamic shifted - although I was always inclined to be a sexual submissive it become even more instilled and my Wife seemed to really find Her groove in being controlling and sexually dominate.
One night during cuddling in bed She asked if I crave and have the need to switch and tie Her up at times?
I responded by asking if She craves me being the Top at times? - Her response: "Nope, I'm good" - My response: "I'm also good, guess we each now know our role..."

 

My wife would tell you that she is not dominant, but she does like to get her on way, and she has no problem making all the decisions, but she would never do anything to hurt me.

 

Nope. When we first me I could spank and she would submit to anal and nipple clamps. Now she controls and I am the one with sore nipples and getting analed.
After a period of being uncagged she will take her pleasure, dismount and tell me to clean and cage it. Typically couple of weeks caged but have been locked around 70 days.

 

I agree, if I asked my Wife directly she would say she wasn't at all Dominant although I would have to disagree, I have seen her in action standing her ground amazingly, perhaps she is not Dominant in the BDSM sense of the word but there is definitely a flickering flame there waiting to ignite.

Hopefully as she holds the key and we discuss each others fantasies and desires she will find the confidence to let it out more although I suspect her fantasies and desire will take precedence.

Women do seem to have a naturally wonderful way of adapting.

 

During the day to day Vanilla life @LadyS is about as dominant as it gets. As I am pretty similar it ends up in some wildfire arguments.
During playtime she is fairly switchy, but less and less so as time moves on. I'm very submissive in bed, except for periodic bouts of caveman lust, which also happen less frequently nowadays.