Do You Throw Your Dummy Out of the Pram?

You are a class act, thanks for your useless input to a serious situation, bye.

 

Well said Mustress Jules!

The point of submission is to submit. Last I looked that meant doing what She wants, not Her pandering to your desires. Thats not to say She shouldn't take an active role - She should, but it's not for the submissive partner to dictate what, how or when that is.

Chastity is not the magic fix for a broken relationship, nothing is. Relationships take work on both sides, D/s and FLR ones more than most.

Get the relationship right and the fetish part will follow, try it the other way round and disappointment will surely follow.

 

Dummy thrown!

Mistress Jules I often think the same way when I see messages here, chastity mostly seems to be about complaining about not getting enough of something or getting too much of it. I was locked for over 600 days for my Goddess and someone here said it could not be true as I didn't complain enough.

My duty is to put my Goddess first and be the best slave I can be for her.

 

Well said. People can be pretty damn selfish even when they think they're not. Chastity play (imo) can only really succeed when you're starting from a place of strength relationshipwise (or at least have deep love/history to work with). Even rock solid couples go through the bumps with chastity; so when a dude initiates with loads of selfish expectations I think it's doomed to fail unless "someone" changes their attitude.
LadyS and I are currently enjoying an extended switch time which has definitely allowed me to view things from a different perspective and better prepare for the long lockups ahead
Ps I'm a pretty shite Dom.

 

I remember reading a blog called denying thumper. In the beginning he was upset his wife wasn't locking him longer. He hated how he felt after, and wanted her to be stern and stick to a specific schedule...that he made. Eventually it failed for them because resentment on both sides soured it for both.

That was invaluable reading to me for I'm sure I would have been the same way. "Alright, every two weeks you release me, give me mind blowing orgasms and tease me during the time between...go". How lucky it was learning from him that eventually it usually always comes back to "the only rule is her rules, and hers can change as she sees fit moment to moment."

Don't get me wrong, we all have moments of frustration and like to vent...what better place...but very serious pouting is usually not that well received.

 

Very Very Well Said @Mistress Jules I think every man has been there. What can I get out of this. I know I was . When you totally and unconditionally submit to your Mistress that's when she starts to have control and what she does with it isn't up to you it Her Call. A lot of men in Chastity never get to this point. Even once you get there it still requires work to stay Submisive to your Mistress. Thank Mistress Jules for your insight into chastity and FLR we can all learn from you. Thanks

 

Years ago when I was locked for a week than unlocked for a week due to work. After my locked week I received an Orgasm than a week unlocked. Week locked Orgasm week unlocked. Etc. I wonder who was controlling this Mistress or Me

 

Instead of getting upset, why don't you answer the questions and think about the fact that a real life Mistress asked you them.

Blaming all of this on your wife and her menopause is easy. My Wife is going through the menopause. Before we started using orgasm control, a chastity device and a FLR my Wife's interest in sex was waning. It turns out a large part of that lack of interest in sex was because of me, because of my attitude towards sex and her in general. It took us months of developing the use of chastity, with me giving her control of my sexuality completely, until she got into the role and now has a lot of fun. Sex is different, but she has far more orgasms now than she ever did pre-menopause.

This change in her came about because I was consistent. I was told early on not to suggest anything sexual, to leave it up to her, and I did. We discussed what was happening though regularly, on a Saturday so as not to overwhelm her but to keep her informed of how I was feeling.

If you don't communicate and don't allow her to develop into a keyholder, then it won't happen.

I'm not saying that I am perfect. Of course there have been moments where I have thrown my teddy in a corner. The difference is I have learnt to recognize very quickly when I am being an idiot and, more importantly, how to apologize.

 

obviously mistress jules comes from the ssc camp and from that position she is dead on. what bothers me is those who complain are also from the same camp but they try to top from the bottom. they want the relationship to be about them but they mouth the opposite. hence mistress jules last paragraph. if you don't like it try to renegotiate in exchange for a ncc relationship. then you will understand from now on you are wrong to desire anything. it will be your place to obey. it also means she can do with you as she pleases and you have no say. you already said yes! that's when it becomes very real. think about that for a while and you may see just how good you have it now....... or not.
on the other hand when i signed a ncc contract i felt real power for the first time and i was truly excited by the power. i wanted more orgasms than i ever had before. i knew for the first time only i could judge myself. oh by the way he never complain again. he quickly understood just how real it had gotten!

in all fairness if you do opt for a ncc agreement this is your one chance to address any and all concerns you have. there is no oh i forgot about that or i never thought you would do that. you need to realize this is the kind of power that can really change a xx.

before i let my puck sign it i made him think about for a week which ended up adding several more pages to the contract. i still got what i wanted and he felt much safer.

 

I was reading a post hear earlier and it triggered exactly the same thoughts. ( It was one of the posts mentioned above by Jules)
Indeed if you are feeling this way then you need to consider that your long suffering wife/partner may well be doing done her very best to be the Mistress persona you've tried to create and if she isn't responding well then it is actually possible that she's not really interested in your fantasy yet has been generous enough to indulge you in it.

Which many wouldn't. Do try and understand this possibility.

I think in cases where you feel she is ignoring your fantasy needs then you could actually experiment with adjusting your attitude. For example, you could consider her ignoring your locked condition as an expression of her ultra dominance and this is how she has chosen to rule mercilessly over you.
Then perhaps you can sit beer in hand watching the football while gently bucking in your frilly panties , content in the knowledge that you are sufficiently dominated and she can get on with her day.

 

Please excuse my ignorance @Ma'at Rebekah , but what are the two types of relationships you described? Ssc and ncc? I haven't heard these terms before.

 

ssc = safe,sane and consensual which means every order given by the dom, the sub has a choice whether to obey or not and no is a valid answer. thus putting the real power in the sub's hands.
ncc is non consensual consent. that means you only get one chance to say no up front. once you sign the contract you can never say no again( you can but the dom will likely punish you for failure to obey) as long as the contract is in effect. unless it has a time limit only the top can end it. that's when it really gets real. this is when the dom has absolute power over the sub.

 

@Ma'at Rebekah Thank you for your reply. It's an interesting debate about who has the real control in a D/s relationship, especially one that practices chastity at its core. I would say that my Wife is firmly in the ssc range, but her punishment for me saying no to a command would be to hand me my keys back and tell me she would no longer be my Mistress. As this is the last thing I would want the right to say no is theoretical but unlikely to happen.

For instance we recently discussed an extreme scenario in which she decided to have me castrated. Would I say no? I honestly couldn't say that I would say no. It isn't something I would seek but if she wanted it to happen, she is my Mistress and it would happen. I know many, if not most men, would absolutely say in no way would they allow such a thing.

I was told very early on by a member of the Mansion to discuss hard limits and to instigate the use of a safe word. We are currently in a situation where my Wife has hard limits but I basically don't. There are things she could do that I wouldn't enjoy, but I would 'allow' as her pleasure is paramount.

 

If I get locked up now days and weeks can roll by without any interaction sexually and it can become pretty dam boring being in there on your own.”

All that comes to mind is that you say that your wife never had a huge amount of sexual desire. What on earth makes you think there is going to be an increase in her sexual desire because you are locked? We know you will get more horny but why would you think anything else is going to change? This kink is supposed to be all about her - as long as you don’t get bored, is that it?

I will make an argument about this one. The original poster is making the argument with an assumption that it is the man's kink. In my case, this isn't really my kink, it's my wife's. I got into this trying to stop masturbating and it became something my wife practically couldn't live without. It's become a necessary part of our life.

As the one who is locked for my wife's pleasure, it DOES bother me that even though she enjoys sex so much more now, she still hardly ever wants it.

I get no particular pleasure from wearing a cage. Quite often it is uncomfortable or inconvenient. And not being able to get hard or experience orgasm gets really frustrating sometimes. I give up a lot for her pleasure, and it bothers me that she won't give me more attention. Without the ability to experience sexual release, I need more of her attention in order to feel sane and she doesn't seem to care. I need more of the sexual interaction that I CAN have to make up for what I CAN'T have.

For the few of us who are in this lifestyle for our partner's sake, please don't label us as selfish crybabies when we feel neglected. I joined this site because it helps me deal with my frustrations of living a difficult lifestyle for my wife. I find it helpful to be able come on here and vent my frustrations, read about other's frustrations and how they deal with them, etc. Being chaste for someone else isn't always easy when it's not your kink and having a safe place to communicate with others and sometimes vent is more helpful than you might realize.

 

listening to what your saying i hear you have a choice to play along or not to play at all. there may be a point that you chose no. for my puck the choice is to do it the easy way or the hard way but he is going to do it. lets put it another way. your wife tells you she has gotten in touch with her sadistic side and says you can say no at any time and we are done playing forever then she takes you out into the woods and tells you to strip. then she gives you a hammer and nail and tells you to hammer a nail through your right testicle into a stump and when your done i will take the hammer and go home. she tells you she will come back the next day so you can do the same to the left one. do you say yes ma'am and do it?
now my puck has a health and welfare clause in our signed contract that i would not ask for that and if i did by contract i would have to surrender myself to him as a complete and absolute slave for life. i would not ask because of the contract and the lifestyle goes on. you would be without a playmate.
the message i hear from your kh is i really do not like this and i am doing it for you so when ever you fail me i get to stop this silly game. if she is an unwilling partner ready to quit at any time i don't think i would want her to play at all. if she really does want to play then if you say no her empty threat will come to light and now you hold all the power and you will top from the bottom never really being controlled. this is why i am in the ncc camp. my puck is secured in at least 2 different ways 24/7/365. most of the time 3 ways. there is no escape he is here for life. you are there till one of you say enough.

 

@Ma'at Rebekah I think you have misunderstood my previous post, with regards to why my Wife is my Mistress and how much enjoyment she gets out of it. She is like many other women who are Keyholders in a chastity based relationship, in that she said yes when I explained to her what a chastity device was, why I wanted to wear one and would she be my keyholder. Unlike many others I have read about though she rapidly came to see what the benefits of such a relationship was and now we are doing this because she wants it, not because I want it.

The point I was trying to make is that she knows how much I get out of this arrangement and that our arrangement is real, although she enjoys what we do it isn't a game. She has read about FLRs and feels that this is the logical progression of what we started with the device.

My Wife and I have been together for three decades. The changes that chastity has brought to our relationship have strengthened it beyond anything we had previously, even though we were a very close and loving couple anyway. If I said no to a command of hers and refused to accept punishment then I wouldn't just be saying no to our arrangement but possibly our entire marriage.

With regards to your scenario about the nails, the hammer, my testicles and the woods, I know I can say that she categorically wouldn't do something like that, but that doesn't answer your main question, do I say yes ma'am and do it. I think it might surprise you that I would think about such a demand quite seriously if it was ever made. What you probably don't know is my original fetish before chastity was extreme genital modification. It is the very reason I am in my device as the fetish was completely one sided and i was becoming obsessed with the changes I was making, it was driving a wedge between us. I have pushed sterile medical needles through my testicles on more than one occasion, I used a sterile scalpel to divide my glans in two. My main objection to the nail scenario would be the sterility issue and chance for infection. It also goes without saying my actual main objection would be to the possibility of her arrest and a court case that would happen if we were discovered.

Your scenario has actually reminded me of a point that I read about hard limits. It basically said that anyone (like me) who says they haven't got hard limits hasn't thought that statement through. There is always a point where the limit becomes obvious. Saw your leg off. Poke your eyes out. Cut out your tongue. Jump off a cliff. So I suppose what you have helped me do is set my first hard limit. No activities that could result in permanent, irreversible damage.

So, if she decided to use sterile nails and do the same activity in our own house, maybe. In a woods where I could die of blood loss and/or hypothermia, no.

 

well said.... she truly has you by the short hairs even if it is your choice. too much hangs in the balance for you to say no. my husband was a well tested army ranger. he is sure that he can endure anything if he feels he is right. though that is a great trait in all thing but when it comes to obeying me. i need to know that he can not resist my command. i love the absolute power. i am firmly in the ncc camp.
thanks for setting things straight for me. i had not looked at it from your eyes.

 

Contracts and agreements are paper and words. Everyone...EVERYONE can say no. To do otherwise is illegal. But saying no for me would more than likely end our relationship. We love each other but we have evolved so far into this, stopping would be going backwards, and backwards is never going to end well.

My arrangement is somewhat similar to jasmic but her threat of non play is fairly empty now for she likes this as much if not more than I do.

What would likely happen is I quit and our relationship that has been cemented with me wearing the cage and treating her a certain way, would deteriorate after its departure. The power and liberating control she acquired would leave a vacuum after their loss.

Even me quitting chastity wouldn't or couldn't just happen. She would want an explanation, she would want to discuss alternatives, and we would probably work out some sort of compromise.

For those that have partners that are going through the motions to appease a kink...you get what you get. If she wants you caged, or has evolved past reverting back(which is my case), then venting and a little expectation is bound to happen.

As far as who has control, I recently debated that topic who believed that the keyholder was the one being topped. I personally don't believe that just because someone can refuse, doesn't mean they are in control. In the long run it's just semantics I guess.

 

i have always respected you but i often find myself not agreeing with you but then you are firmly in the ssc camp.
a thought on contracts and legalities. i wish i had saved a debate between two lawyers on the contracts in our life styles. it sounded like both sides had good ground to stand on but they both agreed that one should not risk their freedom because the courts are not yet ready for this...
on the other hand in the forum there is a contract section and one suggested that power of attorney is the way to go. i lightly discussed it with an attorney friend and she said that it was an interesting loophole that may be the answer. for power of attorneys have been upheld in all kinds of situation. but again she said let me do some serious research before you risk your butt on one.
lastly, selling one's self into servitude is practiced by the us government and has for it's entire existence. "military service "

 

Well thank you @Ma'at Rebekah , and disagreeing is part of understanding and the first step in open dialogue. How completely boring life would be if we all agreed...probably less attorneys but definitely boring!

Even with power of attorney, you are only allowed to make financial and medical decisions. You are not excused from breaking society's laws. The military which you mentioned is probably as close to that as it legally gets, has changed. You can get a discharge, you can refuse an order (except in time of battle) and except the consequences, and physical assault on a soldier is not allowed anymore. Yes I'm sure it still happens but it isn't allowed.

Yes I am a member of the safe consensual group. I have taken 99.999 %of my hard limits away, but the % still there are so silly I shouldn't have to say them. More importantly I don't need them because I trust her enough to not hurt me more than needed, or would jeopardize my freedom, livelihood, or my name.

I love where we are going and what we are doing. I love the fact that she is now even more firmly into this than I am. Life still happens, that has nothing to do with cages, control, or safewords. Family emergencies, death, health issues, financial hardship, work problems, child issues...things like D/s take a back seat in a hurry when a loved one needs support or just isn't in the right frame of mind to serve or to domme.

I think disagreement leads to understanding of others point of views, as long as both are open to listen. Not many change their viewpoint, but do gain another way of looking at something may may not have.

 

i only

i only have one set of eyes unless you let me use your's for a while.
my puck was a nco in the rangers, he says part of his training was in combat situation he was suppose to shoot any who disobey an order.
you pointed out financial and medical decisions like that was a finite area and there lies the problem. medical could allow that person to have hormones administered. or sexual reassignment surgery. padded cell confinement, castration and more. all it take is a doctor to go along.
financial: property, income, businesses, investments and work commitments.
after that there is not much left.
what would one not do in the face of all that?

lastly my husband in the contract addressed the issue that he trusted me completely now but what might i become in 5 years.

 

There seems to be a prevalence for topping from the bottom among male CM users these days.

Time for us to take back control ♀

 

Yes that is an old but active military law, at least in the USA. If disobeying an order during combat, the commanding officer has a right to execute a soldier without trial...but relief of duty and arrest would be the first choice if practical.

 

@Mistress Jules I appreciate this thread and your feedback even though I was the author of one of the posts you found fault with. I will play devils advocate here and point out a few things worth considering in this conversation.

First off I'm sure some of the people like myself and my wife are very new to this lifestyle. We discovered chastity by accident and our FLR emerged organically. We have no contracts ssc or otherwise. Give us the space to resolve what works for us rather than tell us we must march to the beat of the drum you are beating.

Secondly you are clearly a powerful woman with great confidence in her role in a chastity relationship. For many women this doesn't come naturally. They are used to thinking of their husbands in a different way than this. For example I am the bread winner of our family. I run my own successful business and have always been in charge of many aspects of our life. Where I have not been dominant we have always been equals. To simply say OK your dominant now and expect her to know what to do and be comfortable in that role is unreasonable. Call my feedback topping from on bottom if you like. We call it a learning curve.

Thirdly I think it's unreasonable to say this is only about her. This is about us. My feelings, needs and desires account for something. If your partners don't I feel sorry for both of you. I strive to put her feelings, needs and desires first. I strive to serve her and please her and yes I fall short of even my own standards for this on occasion. I don't insist that "she does it my way", but I struggle in my role if she doesn't make me.

Finally you make it sound like she is only doing this as a favor to me. We have had periodic discussions over the last 6 months of getting into this lifestyle. To help with the discussion I suggested we each make a list of three things we like and three things we don't like. This has resulted in my understanding what she likes about our new lifestyle and tailor my behaviors to give her greater pleasure. Some of that is sexual, some of that is service, but a lot of it has been simply the gift of time. Allowing her to sleep in by getting the kids ready for school. Allowing her to relax and read a book in the afternoon because I'm getting dinner ready.

While I am making a counter argument to your point I do appreciate your message. It is something I tell myself on a daily basis. I turned to CM when I started because I needed help figuring out just the simple mechanics of chastity. What I discovered in that process is an amazing community with a lot to offer. I have written things here that has truly been an act of bearing my soul for all to see and judge. The feedback I have gotten from that process has been amazing and I count yours among that. I hope that I have and will contribute to that community as well.