Quitting Chastity?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Thatgirl, May 20, 2017.

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  1. Thatgirl
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    Thatgirl Owner and Wife of Thatguyontheinternet.
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    So, for the second time in the last couple of months @Thatguyontheinternet has mentioned quitting Chastity. He can't put his finger on why he wants to quit, but I am pretty sure it is because neither of us have clear goals on what Chastity is doing for us. I make rules and punishments, and he deliberately breaks those rules to see if I will enforce said punishment. More often than not, I don't. I am usually tired in the evenings, so fall asleep much earlier than he does. I told him that I'd like for him to just follow the rules so I don't haven't to enforce the punishment, but as we all know, he is not that type of person, as in he as not a natural submissive. Just kind of at a loss on rather or not we should continue with this as he is obviously not satisfied where it is headed. What do you all think?
     
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  2. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    IMO he probably just wants a break from it. I know how that feels. I told my wife over a year ago I wanted to quit but there were other reasons. She was a terrible key holder lol. But ever since I still loved chastity and recently have decided to talk to her about starting again. I would say talk it out and see what the problem is. If he wants a break then go for it, but I would put a time line to it so it doesn't get away from you. Life is busy and next thing you know its a year later lol.
     
  3. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    We have a difficult time with this. We aren't considering quitting chastity, but there are moments that time or effort seems in short supply and I get wondering.

    Most of this week she went to bed at 9pm, heck my 11 year old stays up later than that. Once even when she had promised to unlock me, and another time she just unlocked me and fell asleep. She had also said I owed her some spankings.

    I try not to put expectations on her, but when she doesn't do what she says she is going to, I don't know where I stand or why we are doing this.

    It doesn't last long but it does happen.

    Coming from a him point of view on what you can do to keep him into this and make him feel there is a point to it all, I suggest time.

    Maybe punishment is not an evening thing before bed, maybe it's a first thing in the morning thing or right after work routine. I know for me I don't mind certain things, even look forward to others, but if I'm told something and she doesn't follow through, I get weirded out because if she can't even follow her own rules, why am I going through the hassle.

    Hope you two can get through
     
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  4. Thatgirl
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    Thatgirl Owner and Wife of Thatguyontheinternet.
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    May I ask you why she was a terrible keyholder? I would like to see if there are any similarities between she and I, because when @Thatguyontheinternet and I have this conversation, I always feel the same way - like I am doing something wrong or not doing good enough.
     
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  5. tegelad
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    tegelad Class and sophistication in all things

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    You have two paths. One give him the key and say ok, I guess we are done (under the guise if you love someone set them free).

    Second path, the punishments aren't working, so say great punishments aren't working, and take something pleasurable away and don't let him out. What sucks is this path means his denial is your denial if PIV is your thing and you want the real thing. If you can go without PIV, then I would suggest that you master bate away in front of him and make him realize what he is missing.
     
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  6. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    @Thatgirl, well to be honest I might have had unreasonable expectations for my wife. I had been interested in and investigated chastity for years before asking my wife to be my key holder. I threw a whole lot at her in the beginning. She like the idea and we tried it. But to be honest she works hard and goes to bed earlier then me so that left little time for play other then the weekends. We also have 3 children. Don't get me wrong, I know she has a lot on her plate lol. But she was terrible at teasing, even verbally. When we did play on the weekends she had a hard time denying me, she felt bad for me when in reality I didn't want to be unlocked. We argued over this. She really enjoys PIV sex. But for me those problems were minor, the big problem for me was that she pretty much never mentioned anything chastity related during the week. It was tough to stay committed all week with absolutely no teasing physically or verbally. I guess I just hoped she would be more playful with it if that makes sense. Just a text message during the day would be enough. But I'm hoping that if we try to start again I will talk these things out with her and have a more realistic approach.
     
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  7. spider203
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    spider203 Long term member

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    Hello everyone is it this another case of subs topped from the bottom, coming home with expectations of how he should be punished or how a dom should act, count yourselves lucky That she don't make you do something embarrassing and show all her friends.
     
  8. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Long term member

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    It seems to be quite common for the man to have unrealistic expectations of the female in chastity/FLR/DD/femdom (delete as applicable) relationship. The fantasy quite often doesn't quite match the reality of life, or the fact that another human is involved who may like to do things a bit differently.
    Sounds like a deep discussion about both of your desires is required, if it hasn't already.
    As with any other kink, if it doesn't work for both of you, don't continue and try something else.
     
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  9. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Why I'm caged means a lot to me. I would never remained caged just to placate her insecurities or wear it as a substitution for trust.

    If she likes this, likes the control, and likes being the dominant in bed, then great. If she was just doing this to me for some way to know I'm faithful, then I would question something.
     
  10. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    @Thatgirl I'm sorry you guys are going through this rough patch. My wife is a wonderful person and I love her very much, but I get frustrated with her and with chastity sometimes. For me it is usually when I feel neglected. I enjoy my role in our chastity relationship, but at times I feel like she forgets she has a role too. I had this same frustration with her before chastity. She always had time to do her job, volunteer at the kids school, go to work outs and socialize with friends, but fitting in sex was met with "I'm too busy" or I'm too tired" or "there isn't enough time". Now I want something different from her, but it still boils down to her time, focus and attention. Like @ineverknew wrote, I don't need much. Ironically when she is being what she calls "mean" to me, I'm happiest because I'm getting what I crave. I doubt that chastity is the problem, but it also might not be the solution.

    There are those on here that will tell you that for him "the joy is in the serving" and this is partially true. Chastity has given me great pleasure in making my wife happy in every way I can, but it doesn't mean that is all I need. As others have said, communication is key here. Try to find what the true source of his dissatisfaction is. Make sure you both understand that there is no perfect relationship, chastity or not. There will be sucky days, days you piss each other off and days you wish you weren't in a relationship. That doesn't mean the relationship is flawed, it just means your human. Best of luck to you and @Thatguyontheinternet . Hope you find what you're looking for.
     
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  11. harddenial
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    In my experience chastity has to be kept simple to work. She has no intrinsic interest in it but does realize she gets great pussy worship as a result. I've always helped out with chores so that is not an issue. So the key is locked in a ksafe and cannot be accessed. She doesn't have to "worry" about key holding.
    Sometimes being locked psyches me out and i'm pretty desperate to get out but this is when chastity becomes real. Punishments are a no-no. A few weeks ago i masturbated when free for a few days and when i admitted to this she said " if you think i'm going to smack you or something you must be joking, you would enjoy that. Just put the cage on now and remember that i decide when you orgasm next...."

    So what works for us is that chastity does not cause extra work for her. She gets great oral and multiple orgasms on demand. She knows i love feeling her orgasms which have become a sexual treat for me. She has little interest in my orgasms which certainly makes chastity very real for me, not really a game at all.
    We don't talk about chastity outside the bedroom and very rarely in it. It is an established part of our lifestyle.

    Good luck. You are doing nothing wrong. Men have little understanding of female psychology. Once i understood for myself i realised i had to keep it simple and uncomplicated, not go on about it nor be critical of her, and enjoy the sometimes tough ride.
     
  12. Mark Owen
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    Mark Owen Active member

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    THIS!!
     
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  13. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    I think that what matters is what YOU want. To work the arrangement there needs to be something in it that you want for yourself and to motivate you to get it. And in which he will do as he is told or else.
    Otherwise it's becoming a 'topping from the bottom' situation.
     
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  14. permanentslave
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    This slave must agree that its expectations are what most commonly cause the resentment, arguments, disobedience and feelings of "She doesn't even care anyway". This always occurs as a result of when Mistress Sonia dictates that an action will result if something is or is not done but repeatedly is seldom if ever actually is the actual result that happens.

    Expectations of actions derived from statements that a Dominate Themselves makes that are repeatedly unfulfilled or changed without concern for the submissive's efforts, purposes or even seemingly its feeling has always played the most destructive emotional part in corroding a D/s relationship in this slave's experience. Don't repeated say what You can't make a true consistent effort of ever following thru with and expect emotions not to be ripped apart by it.

    Disobedience and failure is most often the result of inconstant Dominate behavior. "Maybe this time or this to this time" She may actually do what She said She would do if i do this.

    Best wishes and luck.
     
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  15. Subatheart82
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    Subatheart82 New member

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    I can relate to this, believe it or not. There are parts of being submissive that I love. But I'm also a very capable person and proud of who I am that leads me to be rather....independent??? Not sure if that's the right word.
    My two cents: I would be curious how much of your sexual energy does he get on a weekly basis? For me, chastity is not about being chaste but rather the attention. If he isn't the type that would lock himself up, then being locked up and forgotten about is mind bogglingly frustrating. You begin to feel stupid and self doubt sets in and then you question why you are doing it at all. Or at least that's a significant part of my chastity journey.

    Give up on punishments, they don't work with him.Why? Cause he likes the attention it brings. Change it to weekly maintenance punishments, and make them count. Because let's be honest, even if he's perfect he still deserves it.

    Also, notch up the flirtation. So many people talk about t&d. It's really just flirting. Your man wants attention, imo. Just a few reminders that you care for him and you haven't forgotten goes a long way. Sometimes we are pretty insecure.

    Lastly, chastity or chasteness, can be fun without a device.if he wants a break, do it. Agree to a time frame to revisit the matter. But don't stop flirting one it comes off! And also don't forget that he has to play his part in all of this too. It's not all on you.

    Again just my two cents
     
  16. Thatgirl
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    Thatgirl Owner and Wife of Thatguyontheinternet.
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    We were both in a funk yesterday, and it has kind of carried on to today. Not sure what it is due to, who knows? It just happens sometimes. He is caging back up (I left him out overnight, we had PIV twice yesterday) today, and we are getting out for a bit to see if we can shake our weird moods. The moods aren't due to being unhappy with each other at all..neither of us can put a finger on it though. So we shall see how today pans out. Hopefully getting out will perk us up some and get us in a more normal mindset:)
     
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  17. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Long term member

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    I think you and your husband are great. You were/are having fun with sexual play and it works with your relationship. I wish my wife was more like you. I am not a player though my wife wants to start. She even read some inane book by ms green. If life is getting in the way, go ahead and stop. Try something else. Switch back. I wouldn't believe the crap about topping from the bottom. It's called communication. If the bottom isn't getting his/her needs met shouldn't it be expressed. I think for most people this chastity stuff is a fun game with power exchange. I think you have a nice relationship and wish we were able to enjoy sex as much as you.
     
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  18. Mistress B
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    Mistress B Mistress B

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    Chastity is an agreement between the two of you and it certainly doesn't revolve around just him. If you aren't in the mood then he must realise this and wait until you are. It takes time for them to learn but if chastity is to become a long-term thing then this must happen.
    It seems to me he is disregarding your rules in order for you to pay attention to him. He must learn to wait until you are ready and willing to deal with him. Good luck and I do hope you can work it out together.
     
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  19. Vinny
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    Vinny Locked up again. Starting year 6.

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    I think that what you are doing is what we tried at and failed at the beginning of chastity. What usually happens is that a guy will make up rules and punishments that he actually wants. Then he breaks those rules. When he does not get what he wants, but says he doesn't, his fantasy version of chastity disappears. When the initial excitement of chastity fades away, all those things that aroused him do not arouse him anymore. Worst is that he made key holding a job for you.

    What we did to be successful is to have only one rule. The KH makes all the rules. We cut out all of the D/s and punishment stuff and here we are 4+ years later enjoying Chastity with just teasing and denial. No punishments or rules other than I do not orgasm until my wife wants me to. Try it. Some guys get aroused by chastity from porn but one the initial excitement wears off, they lose interest. In case you did not know, he was topping from the bottom. You should have complete control over your sex life, not him and as wife does not like, have to punish him in a way he expects. I do not get punished and my wife changes her rules whenever she wants and does not have to tell me. You tried their fantasy version of chastity that you read in phony posts and websites. Real life chastity is not actually like that for most of us.
     
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  20. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    Yes. I feel this way for her as well.

    It's impossible not to either A, top from the bottom, or B, fail to communicate. I try to communicate by letting it be known that something isn't feeling right for me, and I'm topping from the bottom. I say nothing and just wait, and I'm failing to communicate.

    Because of this catch22 thats been created by the two competing cardinal sins of the chaste - topping from the bottom, and failing to communicate, when I said something this time I was (as I have always been) careful not to give any specifics. This is not an issue of "I'm not being punished enough" or teased enough, or getting laid enough, or whatever, and even if it was, I wouldn't say so because she would then try to do more of those things just to mollify me, and then I would have topped from the bottom.

    I simply asked, "what is it you want out of all this at this point". Just like you say Joro - what does she want for herself? Does she want to mold me into something different? Better? I don't know. But with something like that underpinning the whole thing I think we're in good shape. It gives her motivation to stick with the plans that SHE lays out. If there's nothing. No deeper goal, then yes, I was saying that I am not 100% sure I would be interested to keep on going for too long, since what ends up happening is I'm just in a cage, and there's not much more. I can do without that.

    I want her to be doing this because there's something she's after. When I get to thinking that there's nothing she's after other than to keep my hands away from my crotch when she's not using it, I get a little weirded out by what that means.
     
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  21. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    Yes.
     
  22. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    Awesome response. Thank you.
     
  23. Thatguyontheinternet
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    This is very interesting. And in some places particularly pertinent to our situation. I expect NOTHING that she doesn't tell me to expect. Do I get frustrated sometimes? Sure. Do I specficially and purposely break every-single-rule she's outlined for me during the course of a single week just to see if she's paying any attention? Yep. And I'll tell you what, when the answer to that question is "no", she's not paying attention, it absolutely makes me question the whole thing.

    We don't need this cage to have killer sex. The cage is a tool for her to use to develop her dominance (and my submissiveness). If she's not interested in doing either of those things then we don't need the cage, and I don't want it.
     
  24. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I haven't been in the "scene" for decades, find this all to be a fantasy from porn, or have unrealistic goals that I "top from the bottom", but I do know that every relationship requires needs be omg met. Some needs are few, some many, but needs are met, even if that need is to completely submit.

    Just saying Not every relationship in chastity is FLR, just do as you're told, there's only one rule, or has the male as the one initiating it.

    The whole concept and idea changes when wearing it for someone else instead of asking to wear it for someone. I don't have that dynamic so I agreed with her conditions and and she agreed with mine. I as a sub am more accommodating about my conditions, but if I was wearing this cage for someone else I am pretty sure her obligations to me would need to be met or our agreement would lose its luster.

    I think funks like these are common, and have seen a few blogs over the years that the guy goes cage free for weeks, cages up for months. I would probably have a hard time being subbie that way, but their relationships weren't like that so no biggie.

    I am positive you two will find the right way, the way you both will enjoy, and make it great.
     
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  25. Thatguyontheinternet
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    Thatguyontheinternet Owned by Thatgirl

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    Some of this is correct. The first Paragraph particularly. The stuff about flirting - spot on. Im not a puppy, I don't need a ton of attention. Just a reminder here and there that she is aware that I am in the cage beyond just ripping it off me days and days and days early because she wants the D.

    But let me clarify something. The whole, "give up on punishments because he (or the proverbial Sub) likes them" simply does not apply. I fucking hate being spanked. It does NOTHING for me. Maybe as part of play time I suppose, but "your in trouble, bend over and take 10" is far, far, FAR from something I like, crave, or try in any direct or roundabout way to make happen. When I test the rules to see if she's paying attention I do so entirely at my own risk. Thats why I generally don't do that until it's become clear enough that punishment will not come becuase attention isn't being paid.

    Why am i living by a set of rules that aren't worth enforcing to the author of the rules????
     
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