Love and Denial - Year 2

It has just occurred to me that Elle is approaching the transition of our relationship to an acknowledged FLR in exactly the same way she approached the introduction of our use of male chastity. In essence this means so slowly you hardly notice it happening, but then you suddenly realize huge changes have occurred.

A slightly long but relatively quick recap of how we got to where we are now.

Chastity wasn't our fantasy or kink. We were almost completely vanilla before we started using chastity. We had occasionally tried to do kinky things and had sort of enjoyed them, but they were always peripheral and never became established. We had been together 25 years and our sex life was definitely waning. Our love for each other was still there, but sex had faded. Elle was not enjoying how we had sex and I was getting sad and bored about masturbating.

Through tumblr and porn I discovered the idea of tying cord around my testicles whilst I masturbated. I found this intensified my orgasm and the look of my bound testicles excited me. At the same time I saw images of modified genitals and this too excited me. With permission from Elle I started to divide my glans. Using a scalpel I slowly, over several weeks, cut my glans so that it had two separated halves. I loved the affect and would often cum as I used the scalpel. I filmed the process and posted it on a genital modification forum.

When Elle saw a video of me sounding with my opened glans she hated it. For a few days I thought she was going to leave me. But she told me that after a lot of soul searching she still loved me, but couldn't cope with the modification. In a flash of inspiration I realised I might have a solution. I had seen male chastity devices on Tumblr and on the genital modification forum and thought that wearing one would stop me being able to further modify my penis and also cover up my glans, hiding the mod from Elle.

I asked her and she agreed. Immediately, no hesitation. It took us several weeks and several wrong starts before in November 2015 I put on my Holy Trainer for the first time. I promised Elle I would only masturbate when she allowed me to and handed her the keys to the HTv2.

At this point the idea of even moderate orgasm control was not part of the deal. That developed over months. Very slowly Elle started to realize how much of an impact orgasm control and denial had on me. She started to relax and something wonderful happened. She got her desire for sex back. The only difference was she had got over the guilt that I wasn't orgasming. In 2016 she had many more orgasms than during any of our previous years together. I know this because I counted them. 72 in total. And this was despite us being apart for several months due to work and a few months when she was unable to do anything due to illness and after an operation.

The introduction of her control over my orgasms was so steady I hardly noticed it happening. We went a few weeks, then a few weeks again. Then it doubled and for the first time in my life since discovering masturbation I went a month. Then two months. My longest period of denial was over five months. During all this Elle realised how much fun teasing me was. My response to her teasing me, where she turns me on but doesn't allow me a release, makes her wetter than anything I have ever done before. One day she blew my mind by grabbing my hand and pushing my fingers into her sodden pussy. She had never done anything like that before.

Elle became my Mistress during this period, as well as my Wife and my friend. We still hover in the vanilla end of chastity, but we are definitely much kinkier than previously. I would say we are more sensual than kinky. Elle loves yoni massage for instance, a tantric sex massage that is something we discovered through chastity.

During all of this I was exposed to the idea of FLRs, through Tumblr and then the Mansion. I realised Elle had always been pretty much in charge and we had always been living in a moderate FLR. She disagreed, not liking the idea that she was in charge of our lives. She doesn't feel like that now.

I told her that for me to accept her control of my orgasms, I had to think of her as being truly in control. Over time she slowly accepted this idea. We started reading Georgia Ivey Green's How to set up an FLR and this was the clincher. In it Green described a type of FLR that almost perfectly matched our relationship. A mixture of a shipboard and a cooperative FLR. Elle is in charge, a loving, caring Mistress, she seeks my opinion, demands my obedience, asks for and receives my support. I am allowed to use my initiative but big decisions are hers.

The areas that she struggled with were telling me to do things and punishment. Just recently I have noticed that she is at last becoming more comfortable with asking me to do things. Her way is to say please, but to make it obvious that she expects me to do as she has asked. In her world politeness costs nothing. So she will ask me to go upstairs and get her iPad and glasses, make her a drink, carry something for her. She will leave me a few jobs to do whilst she is at work.

She would very often revert to just doing things for herself, even if she had been at work all day and was tired. I would often tell her that I was happy to do things for her, that doing them actually made me feel useful and loved. Slowly, slowly, she became comfortable with the idea that she wasn't being a bossy bitch, that I both sought opportunities to do these tasks and was made happy by doing them. She also occasionally just looks at me until I realize that either she wants me to do something, or I have done something wrong and need to fix the issue.

My behavior also modified over time, making her more comfortable with the idea of discipline and punishment. This is an area she is still working on, but is slowly getting there. A few days ago she admonished me in a huge supermarket, at the self serve check out tills. She told me off for snatching an item off of her that she couldn't scan, telling me I was acting like a child. I thought about what I had done, realised she was right, and stepped back, giving her space to work. I carried the bags to the car and kept quiet until she spoke to me.

She was surprised that I wasn't sulking, as this had been a huge problem before we started modifying my behavior. My acceptance of her control has had a huge impact on me. In our contract I wrote that I fully accepted her use of discipline and punishment. Elle is learning that I meant what I wrote and that I both accept and expect her to tell me off and do something about my behavior if I deserve it.

So, two nights ago, when I ruined a cake she was making by setting the temperature of the oven wrong, when she was furious but didn't punish me, I punished myself. We are in a holiday cottage, away from home. She went to bed early, very tired and upset. I slept downstairs on some cushions on the floor. It wasn't the best night, our dog thought it was fun, but my blanket was thin and I was cold and uncomfortable. When she woke up and came downstairs she asked me why I had slept on the floor. I told her that I felt like I didn't deserve to sleep with her because of what had happened.

At first she thought I was silly. But then last night we briefly talked about punishment. I told her this was a time when punishment would have been definitely deserved. No, I hadn't ruined the cake on purpose, but I had done so through carelessness. She would have been justified to punish me. It would have made me feel better if she had.

Elle thought about this for a while and then agreed. She is slowly understanding that my submission comes with responsibilities of her own, and the use of punishment is one of them. She doesn't want to treat me like a child, but this is just one occasion where she needed to exert authority.

Before she turned over to go to sleep she told me I was really sweet. I asked why. She told me it was because I now accepted her telling me off without sulking. This had been one of the major issues before chastity that had been reducing her desire for sex. If she had told me off like she had in the supermarket, or if we had a disagreement of some kind, i would sulk for days. If she didn't want sex I would also sulk. Not the best way to turn your Wife on!

Slowly, slowly, things are changing, very much for the better.

 

We are incredibly busy at the moment. There is absolutely no time for me to provide any worship for my Wife and no time for her to tease me. We barely get a moment of privacy either, so we have had no time to allow me to use my Saturday talk privileges either. In fact last Saturday Elle had a headache and we were traveling, today we have visitors all day, next Saturday we are with family all day introducing our newly adopted child. So it would have been over a month by the time I had a chance to talk about anything.

So, as we had an hour together alone yesterday as we drove from a meeting I asked permission to move my priveleges to that day, a Friday instead, to which Elle agreed. I am so glad I did as there was a few things we needed to discuss. These were;

• I was sorry for my reaction to a task she had given me the day before.
• My research leads me to think she is a mild Dominant but a strong Disciplinarian
• Why does she enjoy me having an unstimulated hands free orgasm?

The day before we were sat in our car, waiting for a meeting when Elle asked me to get her glasses for her, out of her handbag which was in the boot. I was trying to do something and reacted very badly. We are both under a lot of stress at the moment but that is no excuse for how I behaved. I apologized and told Elle I had no excuse for what had happened.

Elle told me that my reaction had hurt her as I am the one asking her to make me do more for her, that I like being asked to do things for her. It was such a small thing and I had responded to her request very poorly. I could only agree with her. I did say that at times I do have a brain fart and forget myself, but the major difference is now I am able to rein in these poor feelings much faster, realize what I am doing and apologize much quicker. I am serious about her being in charge and do want this. I don't however want to change her, to manipulate her into being something she doesn't want to be.

One comment she said really got to me. You keep telling me that I'm not doing this very well.

I was shocked. I don't think anything of the sort! I think (and anyone who reads this nonsense I write should know this) that she is doing an absolutely incredible job. I think she is amazing! Why on earth does she think that I have said something like that? And then I realised. It's because I have. Only in jest, but I have said it. She hasn't taken it as the joke that I meant, she thought I was being serious.

Elle has always had an incredible work ethic. She scares people she is training because they realize how hard an act she is to follow. They often remain friends and many have gone on to have fabulous careers of their own, but they often talk about how terrified they were of her when they first met. Elle doesn't ask for help, she expects it. If there is a job to do that she can do, she will do it. To sit down and ask me to go and get her ipad is not something that comes naturally to her. So the fact she has become very comfortable doing this sort of thing, realizing how happy it makes me, shows how far she has come. But many times she will just get on with doing something herself, without asking me.

A few times I have got frustrated that she hasn't asked for help, but quite often I have joked that she is hopeless, that she could have got me to do something but hasn't thought to do so. I have told her that I am going to give her a look whenever this happens. The problem is she obviously took this to heart and it was upsetting her.

I resolved never to say anything like she isn't doing a good job ever again, even in jest. I will simply suggest that she could have asked me to do something, that I would have been happy to do it for her and would hope that she would consider asking me next time.

Because believe me, she is doing this much more than she has ever done in the past, and is enjoying the attention I am giving her. She can see how happy I am, how I (normally) do it without complaint. I told her that my main motivation was our long term happiness. I see this as being a key element to us staying together for life. If we are both happier with each other, if we cut out the arguments and bad feelings, if we do have a disagreement and I am able to,apologies faster, then I see us remaining a very happy couple.

Giving her the right to say when I have an orgasm could actually have been the reason we are still together now, after the horrendous year we have had, let alone still together in ten or twenty years time.

 

A while back someone commented that Elle wasn't a Dominant as she didn't treat me like an animal. While I still fundamentally disagree with their particular perspective, I have come to the conclusion that as far as 'real' Dominants are concerned, Elle isn't a Domme. She can be, in a play situation, and has been a fantastic Domme a few times. But she isn't naturally Dominant all the time.

She is however a good Disciplinarian. Her method is to expect high standards and to show how disappointed she is when those standards are not met. As I mentioned earlier she has mentored several people who have gone on to have amazing careers of their own. These people have a lot of respect for Elle and often talk about how her commitment to her job and her level of expectation was terrifying when they were her trainee, but how that attitude got them to where they are now.

Elle is becoming much better at being like this with me. She will wait, looking at me expectantly, until I realize what it is she wants me to do. She will raise an eyebrow when she feels I have done something inappropriate. She will leave me a job to do and let me know in no uncertain terms if it hasn't been done well enough.

She isn't into all of the D/s dynamics that i have read about in books, blogs, here in the Mansion and on Tumblr. It just isn't her. At least not at the moment. As I have discovered she doesn't exactly change through what we are doing, as become more comfortable with what is happening and grow into the role of my Mistress day by day.

I have read some incredible blogs about women who have a similar dynamic with their husbands. They have described how much happier everyone in the relationship is if the man of the house accepts his place and allows the Wife to be in charge and to decide when he needs punishment or discipline. Before I didn't really understand how this could work, but now I do. I can honestly see Elle and I going in this direction. I wrote into our contract that I accept her discipline and punishment of me and I meant it. And it really is making me a happier person.

 

The last thing we spoke about was why does she enjoy me having these unstimulated orgasms so much. She laughs when I tell her it has happened, isn't upset by them. She was fascinated when it happened to me whilst lying next to her.

She told me that before chastity our sex was all about my orgasm. I got to decide if I came, not her. I could, and would, masturbate often, usually without her. I had always preferred it when she masturbated me, or if she helped me masturbate myself, but this was always my decision. If we made love sex finished when I came.

Now, that level of control has been removed. I don't get to decide if I cum. Either she does, or just as good, my body does. These unstimulated orgasms are still a form of a removal of control Fromme. This doesn't ruin the level of control she has over me. If anything it intensifies it.

 

I wrote the last three posts whilst sitting in the bathroom, after waking up at 03:30 from a ridiculously erotic dream. I finally went back to bed at 07:00, knowing that I had to be up at 08:00. Elle almost immediately reached over a lazy arm and draped it over my chest. She murmured morning to me, and then the fun really started.

I can never tell with Elle when the mood is going to strike her, when she feels like teasing me. It certainly doesn't happen every day, not in a normal week. It did when we were on our own in Italy just over a week ago, but since we have got to England nothing much has happened.

She started by gently stroking my side. I was soon panting, my Holy Trainer straining to contain a growing erection. I was still turned on by my earlier dream. My response to her touch spurred her on. I don't think I have ever felt more turned on than I did for the next hour, as she stroked my body, my ears, my neck, my nipples. I could feel my erection was now past the point where it merges with my anus, it was absolutely rigid. The fact that my normal penis erection was safely contained and limp just added to my feelings of desire.

I was hoping what happened next would happen, but I still wasn't completely ready for it when it did happen. Elle made eye contact with me, took my hand and pushed it inside her panties. She then slid my fingers inside her absolutely sopping wet pussy. In all the years I have known her I don't think I have ever felt her that wet. My brain melted.

Elle guided my hands and let me know where she wanted me to stimulate her. Before long she was grinding her pussy into my hand, rotating her hips in time with the motion of my fingers stroking her clit. Then, an amazing thing, she arched her back, pushed her face into my neck and, with a shudder through her entire body, had an orgasm.

I was shaking with the levels of desire coursing through my body. I showed Elle my Holy Trainer, how far it was pushed away from my body. She reached between my legs and caressed the root of my penis, all the way down to my anus.

For some people this way of bringing a partner to orgasm will be nothing special. For me however it was amazing, it has been such a rare event in our sex life. I had tried to do it but obviously hadn't turned her on enough. This time I had managed to get her worked up so much that it was incredibly easy. All I had to do was let her tease me, respond to her caresses and get her to turn herself on.

 

It only occurred to me after a recent conversation I had with Elle, and only happened because of the year and a half I have been in the Mansion, plus all the other blogs and books I have read. Elle likes the distinction and I think this Disciplinarian approach could be more influential on how our relationship develops than a simple D/s one would.

I have read a book about Dominant submissive relationships, and we just don't fit into the categories that the author included. We do however fit into the categories that Ivey Green wrote about in her How to set up an FLR book. The point is my Wife doesn't have to be Dominant in that BDSM sense of the word to exert control over me.

Sadly the main blog that clicked with me, femdom 101, has been taken down. Someone had been plagiarising it, turning it into kindle books, and the woman who wrote it decided to remove all of the posts while the problem was sorted. It described the life of a couple who lived under the control of the woman, and how her daughter did the same thing with her own husband. Despite the name of the blog it wasn't exactly a femdom fantasy blog, it was much more like the relationship Elle and I have.

Hopefully the problems will be sorted and the posts will come back.

 

That is the blog I was talking g about but unfortunately all of the earlier posts have been removed by the author. I hope she does make them available for us again.

And you are 100% right. Elle will be what she wants to be. It has become a theme of our conversations recently that I do not want to manipulate her in anyway into being something she doesn't want. The good thing is we have discovered that she is very happy with where we have got to, keen to carry it on, having fun with the orgasm denial and enjoying the new deeper level of respect I have for her. It is making both of us much happier.

Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

 

My dream.

It isn't often I have a dream that i remember so vividly as the one I had about Elle that got me so worked up. I sort of know where it came from, but it was one of those dreams where you are not in control, your subconscious is doing all the work.

I had read a Mansion post about a guy who had been to see a 'Masseur' (a woman who also gave massages that had 'happy endings'.) He had told her about his submissive feelings and she had enjoyed playing out some of his and her own fantasies. Unlike many of the more frantic chastity posts this one rang as being true and it totally made me feel horny. Some of the things she did for him were exactly the sorts of things I would like my Wife to do to me.

Before that Elle had recently told me that realizing she wasn't very dominant she was going to take me to a professional Domme so she could watch me being punished and learn how to be a better Domme.

Put the two together and you get...

Elle had taken me to see a masseur/escort/prostitute who was also a Dominatrix. The Domme was younger than she was but with a similar body shape. Not slim, but also not fat, a body that rippled when it moved in that fabulously feminine way some women have. A body that you didn't feel would snap if you were too rough with it. Nice breasts, shoulder length blonde hair, eyes that show a deep intelligence and a wicked smile.

I had been stripped apart from my device and strapped into a chair. Elle and the Domme discussed various things that Elle could do to me that were more about what Elle would enjoy, not what I would want. The Domme suggested that rather than Elle be dominant to me she should practice on the Domme instead. (Elle struggles with the idea of dominating and punishing me as she loves me, I have been her friend for nearly 30 years and her husband for 27.)

The Domme talked to Elle about pegging me, described what it was and why Elle would want to do it. They led me into a bathroom and the Domme gave me an enema, highly embarrassing but also erotic and arousing. Elle didn't like the idea of pegging me so the Domme suggested that she use a strap on with her instead. The Domme showed Elle several different strap ons and Elle chose the Tantus Feeldoe double dildo. She wanted to try using something that stimulated her as well as the person she was having sex with.

I was left strapped to the chair, with Elle and the Domme lying on a bed next to me. I watched them start to kiss and caress each other. The Domme told Elle that she had to be more domineering so Elle did, pushing the Domme onto the bed and trying not to laugh as she was coached in things to do and what to say.

Elle inserted the bulb end of the Tantus into her pussy and, admiring the erect penis she had, walked around the room pointing to it. She came to me and stroked the penis, telling me that she now had an erect penis and I didn't. She climbed back onto the bed and gently inserted the dildo end into the Domme's pussy. I watched as they made love, both of them getting more and more passionate. They forgot about me and writhed together, totally aroused with each other's body. They built up to an orgasm together and, looking into each other's eyes, came at the same time.

Elle came back to me and sat on my lap, pressing her penis up against me. Next time it would be my turn, she said now she could cum with her own penis my own orgasms would be even more rare!

The Domme laughed and came over to inspect my own arousal. Elle took off my Holy Trainer so the Domme could see my modified glans. Elle hates what I did and because of how I had hurt her the Domme took me through a strict session of punishment, mocking my penis as she whipped, caned, strapped and humiliated me. She told me that she had a friend who was a vet who would happily cut my penis off, as well as my balls, if I ever so much as did anything so stupid again.

The Domme then demonstrated how to ruin my orgasm. She told Elle that if I did it myself I would always take myself just that bit too far. I would ruin the orgasm, but not as thoroughly as Elle would if she did it herself. She took my penis and slowly edged me, stopping constantly, closer and closer but maddeningly never close enough. And she was right, I would have given myself a ruined orgasm much quicker. Finally one tiny, glistening drop of cum emerged from my glans. The Domme collected the cum and made me lick it off of her hand. She turned to Elle and told her that one of those every two to three weeks, or maybe even one a month, would be quite sufficient.

This was the point at which I dragged myself awake and staggered to the toilet to try and relieve the immense pressure my Holy Trainer was under.

 

Released, washed, shaved, showered, recaged.

As Mistress Elle removed the key, securing me back into my Holy Trainer, she giggled and gave me a big, happy smile. It made me feel weak at the knees. The look on my face inspired her to lean over, put her arms around me andiss and bite my earlobe.

Teasing doesn't have to take a long time. I am buzzing.

 

I finally had some time yesterday to sit on my bed and give my legs a good going over with my epilator. Keeping my legs and genitals smooth and hair free is written into my contract with Elle and due to travel and living in such close proximity to my adult son meant I had been unable to fulfill my task. I had shaved my genitals earlier in the day, so doing my legs as well made things look much smoother and neater.

I had hoped Elle would come up and see what I was doing but she had been busy downstairs and was only coming up just as I finished. She was pleased with what I had done and decided to have a shower and to let me rub some body lotion all over both sides of her body.

So after her shower she lay on the bed for me, first on her front and then on her back. I rubbed the lotion in and got very aroused by the closeness of her body to mine.

In a strange way the keeping my lower half hairless is an indication of how serious Elle takes all of this. It is the most obvious example of her dominance over me after the control she has of me by being my keyholder. I asked her if epilating ever stopped being painful and she said that it never completely stopped, but you do end up with bald patches that makes it better.

Before I started doing this I had quite hairly legs, so to end up with bald patches seemed to indictate a permanence to our situation I hadn't considered before. Even if we stop all of the chastity my legs will never return to how they were before. I asked her if she was ok with this, and she told me that she was, absolutely fine with it. Her response made me feel very submissive.

My epilator is dying a bit and needs replacing. I asked Elle if she would consider laser treatment for my legs to permanently remove the hairs, and she said she would. Again this brought home how permanent this arrangement between us has become. I was thinking of just buying a home laser epilator kit, but instead I think I will suggest professional treatment. That is something to discuss with my Saturday privileges.

 

Andiss? For crying out loud ipad, that isn't even a word! And kiss! And bloody kiss, not andiss!

 

I know I am a bit of an evangelist for Yoni massage, but it truly is a wonderful thing. Elle asked me to give her a Yoni when we were still on holiday in Italy a few weeks ago, but tiredness, stress, travel, work and how busy we have been just meant it wasn't the right time. For a Yoni massage to work fully both giver and receiver need to be fully charged mentally and physically, but also relaxed.

Finally, the day before yesterday, all of the various needs slotted into place, and Elle again asked me for a Yoni massage. I had bought some Body Shop massage oil in the morning, it is great for sensual massages. We like any scent apart from the lavender, which makes Elle feel like she is an old woman! Elle had a shower, I had a shave and cleaned myself up, and then she lay on our bed, on her front.

I warmed the oil and then massaged her back, thoroughly, taking my time. While I gave her the massage I read the instructions for a Yoni massage out loud, taken from the Whitelotusteast website. I have found other descriptions but this website has by far the best, it is a guide rather than a blow by blow list of what to do and when to do it. Reading the instructions reminded both of us what was going to happen and started the process of getting us ready.

The first instruction is to relax and start deep breathing. This applies to both the giver and the receiver. It's actually very important for me as much as Elle. In my current denied state I am already getting very turned on. Touching Elle's Yoni is now a rare thing for me, she only allows it when she wants an orgasm, and that hasn't happened much this year. So I need to be kept calm and the deep breathing helps me centre and focus on what I am doing. I still get turned on, but it is under control.

The second thing is not to dive straight onto caressing her Yoni. I actually prefer calling it her Yoni to her pussy, I think it is more respectful. Elle turned onto her back, put pillows under her head and opened her legs. I marveled at the sight of her lying naked before me. I applied more oil and massaged her thighs and abdomen. Elle's eyes closed with the joy of the feelings even this gave her and she visibly started to take deep breaths, calming herself down.

Once the Yoni massage itself starts it is important to take time, keep breathing, keep eye contact, only talk about the pleasure, so I will say what I am about to do, describe what I see and feel. Elle doesn't say much at all. I asked her to tell me if I needed to change anything, go faster, press more or less, but at no point during the Yoni massage did she need to.

We began the Yoni massage. Throughout I described what I was doing and Elle could hear the wonder in my voice. Even after all this time together the times I hold her Yoni in my hands and do this thing fills me with a feeling that is almost indescribable. Even watching the first application of oil to her Yoni mound is amazing, watching it pool and then slowly trickle down her lips.

After caressing her outer labia between my fingers and thumb, then her inner lips, and then gently caressing her clitoris in a circular motion, both clockwise and then anti clockwise, taking my time on each motion, I told Elle that the next stage was about to start. I was going to insert my middle right finger in the 'come hither' position, where it is pointing up and touching her g spot. I put some lubricant on my finger (we have found that the massage oil was not suitable for internal stimulation) and gently inserted it. At first I just kept it still, and used my left hand to caress her thighs, abdomen and Yoni mound.

After a while I started caressing Elle inside with my inserted finger. Very gently, with either a circular motion or a back and forward motion. I had got down on my knees by the side of the bed as kneeling had become difficult, but now this position was hampering my access. I told Elle I was going to get back up on the bed and as I did so I continued both my right and left hand massages. All of a sudden Elle took a quick deep breath and arched her back. Later she told me that as I moved the feelings in her intensified significantly.

It is watching and feeling the build up to ecstasy in your partner that makes being the giver such an amazing experience. Slowly Elle became more and more aroused. I could feel her Yoni tightening around my finger, also shortening. Her abdomen tightened and her body visibly tensed, Elle breathing deeply trying to remain relaxed. Her back arched more and more and it seemed as if her breasts grew larger.

And then, the magic happened. Elle orgasmed. I am knelt on the bed. My right middle finger is inserted in her Yoni, which has clamped around it not allowing it to move. The heel of my left hand is pressed against her mound, my fingers splayed onto her abdomen. She is making noises of sheer pleasure, the orgasm taking over. After only a few seconds she can take no more and brings her knees up to her chest, pushing my hands away. I am still calm, taking deep breaths, drinking in the sights, sounds and smells of the experience.

She relaxes a bit, her cheeks glowing, and I lie down on top of her, supporting my weight on my knees and elbows, I nestle my head against her neck, and the enormity of what has occurred rushes into me. I start to tremble and have my own reaction. It isn't an orgasm, but it is very similar. It is intense, and goes on much longer. I am feeling my own level of bliss, desire coursing through me.

Elle caressed my back and now my relaxation has gone I respond immediately. She caresses my chest, pinches my nipples and giggles at how they go hard and the way it makes me whimper and pant. She reaches down between us and caresses my abdomen and then starts caressing the root of my penis. It isn't long before I collapse on top of her, unable to support my weight any longer.

I thanked Elle for letting me give her the Yoni. It was an amazing experience.

After we had relaxed we discussed the massage. I asked how I had done with the first stage of the actual massage, where I caress first the outer lips then the inner then the clitoris. I am conscious that too much of this and it could become sore, not enough and it shortens the experience and doesn't bring Elle to full orgasmic potential. Elle told me that it was OK, but a little longer at this stage would have been good.

We also discussed how our use of chastity and starting the FLR made this experience possible. For Elle to fully relax into the massage she has to know that no reciprocation is expected or necessary. This has only truly happened recently. It is also the case that pre FLR Elle would never have asked me to perform such a specific sexual act. When we first started she couldn't discuss what would turn her on or give me any instructions. I am so happy this has changed, that now her confidence has reached the levels it has.

 

Not much has happened regarding chastity since my post about the yoni massage. Life, it seems, doesn't agree with having too much of a good thing. I have read posts about couples who have young children wondering whether they could continue with chastity. While the sexual aspects of chastity don't have to stop, there is definitely an impact on the practical aspects of having the energy and time to have fun together.

I know this because Elle and I now have a child in our lives again. Our own children are grown up and left home. They still have an impact on our lives but from a distance. I am not going into any details of the why's and how's, but Elle and I have adopted a child, a baby under a year old. The affect has been immediate and obvious in one respect, and more subtle in another.

The first affect is tiredness and stress. Elle needs to be in a good head place to want to play. Unfortunately the strains of home have put strains on her work, so there is a double whammy of stress affecting her. Until last night when she knew that she didn't have work the next day, no play had occurred at any point. Luckily we have been doing this long enough for me not to be stupid enough to complain.

The second effect (I can never remember which is correct, affect or effect, so I'm going with one each knowing that at least one will be correct!) has been on our FLR efforts. It appears that Elle is going into full on maternal mode. If something needs doing, anything, whether related to the baby or just general house stuff, she gets on and does it. She has even started asking me whether I mind if she does something, or whether I could do it.

Elle always was the sort who would not want to order me around all the time, she wants me to use my own initiative, but we had got to a point where if she wanted something she was happy to ask me for it. She would say please, but I would hear an order. This kept both of us happy. Now she just gets on and does.

I'm not in any way complaining. These are observations, not whines. I'm not trying to change Elle, we are just trying to be better for each other, and I enjoy doing things for her. It makes me feel useful and I know when I achieve something she has asked me to do she is pleased with me. Positive reinforcement and all that.

At least it is the weekend.

 

A weekend of ups and downs.

Friday night Elle let me have a shower with her, where the fun started. Elle decided it was time for me to be let out of my device for a wash. She had her usual back and bottom wash from me before telling me to turn around and have my turn. It seems slightly unfair that I get a few murmurs of enjoyment from her, when what she gets is me collapsing at her feet. At one point she was rubbing my bottom with her left hand and stroking my penis with her right. Given she has hardly touched my penis in almost two years this was an even more incredible experience than it could otherwise have been.

Then, lying on her bed, she told me to give her a back massage. After a good massage, I asked for and was granted permission to lick her bottom. It was the first time in weeks I had been allowed, and we went on for ages. In fact I had to ask her if it was ok if I could lick her pussy as my lips were going numb! After she turned over it only took a few moments for her to reach an orgasm. I was in bliss. We were in bliss!

And then Saturday night happened. Oh dear. If anyone thinks all the brain farts stop after doing chastity for a few years, think again. Our eldest son Skyped us for an hour waffling about buying a really expensive boy toy he cannot afford putting both of us in a bad mood as he owes us a considerable sum of money he borrowed a few years ago. I went past subtle in demanding the money back and it all got into a heated argument.

This spilled over that evening into me having a rant while I was in bed with Elle. Unfortunately I said something that she took as an attack on her, that I had been hoping for some fun and that went straight out of the window when he Skyped. I thought that was directed firmly at our son, but she took it personally. I still don't exactly know how she heard what I said as an attack on her, but that isn't important. I upset her, and that is what I am trying to avoid. I was genuine in my apologies, it wasn't one of those 'I'm sorry you got upset' sort of apologies. It was more of an I am sorry I said something that wasn't well thought out or considered and because of it you were hurt.

So I took the opportunity to apologize profusely today whilst we were out on a beautiful country walk. The isolation gave us a chance to clear the air, to talk without worrying about anyone overhearing. She didn't even tell me off for talking about this stuff on a day other than Saturday.

Because of how Saturday ended I wasn't expecting what happened Sunday night. Elle had a pre-work shower to wash her hair. I patiently waited my turn and was surprised when she invited me into the cubicle. I Don't know why but she decided to forgive me, and then gave me such a teasing I fell out of the cublicle due to the level of arousal she induced in me (luckily I slid out of the cubicle with a certain amount of control so I wasn't hurt.)

After her shower we spent some time with her reading on her iPad whilst I reapplied her nail varnish on her toes. It was a wonderful moment and the focus I needed for the work helped me calm down. She was so pleased with my attention and attitude she went to town on me once more, even getting the floggers and paddles out and spending some time on me with them. Apparently my lack of self control needed to be dealt with. (I was so erect around my Holy Trainer and I had told her I was close to having a hands free ruined orgasm.)

After the fun ended she even made me stay undressed and go downstairs with her, where she used me as a foot stool while we watched some tv, resting her feet on my legs. This might sound dominant but it is actually really lovely. I sit on the floor next to her seat and she puts her feet on my thighs. I love the contact.

All in all an incredible evening. Later on, In bed, just before she told me it was time to sleep, she admitted that she feels self conscious when she goes into a play situation. She also admitted this is a reason she doesn't play very often, as she has to be in the right mood, and confident enough to start anything. I asked if there was anything we could do that would help, and she said she didn't know, apart from observe other people.

She laughed at my immediate response! These comments she come out with always take my breath away.

 

I cannot explain why but as the reality of my chaste lifestyle becomes more and more... real, I feel more cut off from a lot of what is being written about by many members of the Mansion. I think it is in part because the longer I remain here the faster people seem to come and go. The new member names seem to be whizzing past at an ever greater rate and I just cannot keep up. Very few of the current batch of members seem to be writing about a lifestyle that I understand and empathize with. It is the main reason why my updates are being written further and further apart.

I love what being chaste has done for me and my Wife. It has seriously improved our relationship on so many levels, of which sexually is just one of them. I have so much respect for my Wife and the amount of fun she is having with all of this is worth every moment of difficulty it puts me through. If more people could experience what I have over the past twenty months then they would too begin to realise how much better the reality is than the fantasy.

Take this for instance. My Wife gave me a present at the weekend. It was a new lounge top for wearing in bed. Wrapped up in the middle of it... was a bit of a shock. A white pair of silky panties. She beamed at me as they fell out of the t shirt onto my pillow. I didn't know what to say at first and just looked at her. I asked permission to put them on which she gave. I turned around to see what they looked like in the mirror and she stood behind me, stroking my buttocks through the smooth material, a huge grin on her face.

Elle remarked how nice they looked and felt. She couldn't keep her hands off of me!

I didn't ask her to buy the panties. We had talked about doing this a long time ago but I have learnt not to go on about anything to do with chastity or our FLR. Elle will decide the direction this all goes in and she will do things when she is ready. We have shared images of this sort of thing on our private Tumblr but that was as far as it went. And this will go further, as the pair she had bought were done primarily as a guess for the size, which she got spot on. She didn't want to buy too much or anything expensive before I had tried them on.

So where is my disconnect with that? Well, she didn't do it to humiliate me. She was genuinely pleased to see me wear them, and thought they looked great on me. She is doing it because it is fun, a bit naughty, something we will know about when I go out wearing them but neither of us could give two hoots if anyone else found out I was wearing them. It's not a fetish, I'm not a complete cross dresser, but damn they feel nice and make me feel sexy. In fact we are both going to look for some more at the weekend now the initial step has been taken.

Another example is that I don't understand why men feel humiliated when they have to sit down to pee. It doesn't make you less of a man doing that, it's neater, tidier, you don't spray everywhere. I prefer sitting down. And where is the worry about it being an issue when you are out? Just go in a stall, nobody cares!

I love reading the posts from people who are doing this with a mixed approach of doing it because it is improving their lives, or their relationships and because it is fun. That is Elle's approach to this. She loves the new me so much, she loves the way my attention makes her feel and she loves giving me attention because of the way I respond. This game is serious and only works when you take it seriously. But damn, if it isn't fun, then surely you need to change your approach.

 

It has just occurred to me that in the last nine months I have had three orgasms. I had one before the longest of my denial periods to date, of five months, then I had one either side of a two month denial period, and I am rapidly approaching another two month denial period.

I have had several ruined orgasms after being teased, none have been on purpose though.

I have to say I didn't see this being our new normal when we started!

 

Real life sucks. Elle and I have had to deal with grief, fear, pain and stress for nearly a year now. Our home life has been turned upside down and potentially things are going to get worse. The endgame for our year of meetings with solicitors, visits to police stations to give statements and days spent sitting in court is approaching, scheduled for the end of the summer. On top of that Elle has recently had a severe case of food poisoning that knocked her sideways for three weeks. So is it any surprise that sex has been the last thing on her mind?

Yet she manages to turn this evening into one of the most memorable evenings we have had together since probably before Christmas when we were on our skiing holiday. She truly is incredible.

It started badly, with me getting really stressed filling in some bloody bureaucratic forms. What is different in our relationship now is how I apologized immediately, telling her that she didn't deserve my attitude as she was only trying to help. Anyway, she let me off this time as I managed to fill in the bloody things despite how idiotically convoluted they were.

I had asked if I could have a shower with my device off as I had noticed I was getting a bit smelly. She took me upstairs to her room, let me get naked and unlocked me. I was having a shave (face first, then balls) when she decided to have a shower with me. Things went the way they usually do when we share a shower, with one difference. While she was massaging my back with shower gel, then my balls and ass, she was chatting away about mundane family stuff. She told me to concentrate, repeat what she had said, and wouldn't let me collapse! I could barely think let alone repeat her words.

After the shower we lay on her bed and chatted about stuff. She had put on a dressing gown which was just as well, I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything if she was naked! We chatted about various things and the conversation turned to my genital modification. I told her about how glue didn't work and wouldn't stick the split glans back together long enough for it to heal. She said, out of nowhere, that maybe she should chop my penis off.

She could tell immediately this had affected me. I don't want it to happen, I like having a penis, but I would also be lying if this wasnt a fantasy that has got under my skin. I told her about the story I had read in Tumblr about a slave who had first been castrated by his master, and then had five inches of his penis chopped off. I know the story is at least potentially real, there is an accompanying video of a guy with no testicles masturbating a stump of a penis. She said that she wasn't going to do it yet, not when she still liked using my penis for fun. I said that if she had me castrated all my response to her teasing would cease. She said that was a downside, in such a way that hinted she thought there were some advantages to it! To be honest I was so shocked with the conversation I cannot remember what she said the advantages would be!

I told her about three dreams I have had. In one she was shown by a pro Domme how to sew my penis up while telling me how much she hated what I had done. In another she made me slice my glans off altogether as she would rather see a stump than the split glans that I have. In the third she had said that I was useless, that I had only done part of the job. If I was going to do something I should do it properly, so she sliced my penis completely in half. Yes, some guys really have done that to themselves. She had also got a chastity device that had a steel plate that sat in between the two halves and kept them separated.

The incredible thing is we can have a conversation about such an intense topic as this at all. This truly is a remarkable thing. At the start of this journey into FLR and chastity she couldn't talk about what turned her on. Now we are discussing whether I would use my safe word if she decided she wanted me castrated! The honest answer is I don't know.

Anyway, after some time downstairs watching tv and having a drink she took me back upstairs to lock me back up in my HTv2. As I walked back into her room she was lying naked on her bed, her knees pulled up squashing her breasts. I could see her pussy and coherent thought fled. She saw me gulping air, mesmerized by what I was seeing. She let her knees part, giving me a full view of her smooth pussy. Now I can barely stand. If this sounds weird just realise I have been kept denied now for a few days short of two months, and any sexual contact has been almost nonexistent for the past month. I have only had one opportunity to give her an orgasm in that month. I am extremely aroused by what I am seeing.

She then makes me massage her feet while she reads Facebook, something straight out of pictures seen on chasity and femdom Tumblr blogs. She then gets me to clip her toenails for her. How on earth does that become erotic!? Well, when you get occasional glimpses of your wife's pussy while you do it, that's how. She then beckons me to move up and lie on top of her, to lie between her legs, how I would when we made love. She goes to town on my sides, back, nipples. She reaches between her legs and grasps my device, strokes my abdomen, strokes my balls.

Then she tells me I have to go to bed.

 

Thank you @jemima, I appreciate your thoughts. One way or another the issue we are dealing with will come to a conclusion of sorts in August. It will either end happily or in disaster for a member of our family. We are obviously hoping that things end positively.

 

Last night was fantastic. As I have said many times recently, Elle doesn't often feel like being sexual, or even that assertive at the moment, but last night she did. After a busy day and an admin filled evening, Elle told me she wanted me to run her a bath.

While Elle soaked in the soothing water I read the latest chapter of How to set up an FLR to her. This chapter was about fantasies and how the woman should do things to replace a mans fantasies about other women with herself. I told Elle that this has already happened, that the only person I fantasise about is her or they have been heavily influenced by her.

Elle asked for some examples. I told her that the things she says to me get into my head and heavily influence my dreams. She once said that maybe she should take me to a pro Domme so she could either get her to punish me, or she could teach her how she could punish me. I now have heavily erotic dreams and fantasies about this happening. When I showed her the double dildo and then told me about how I had a dream in which she had sex with the pro Domme and she told me that was turning her on, and that has now become a fantasy.

We also discussed how things are going at the moment. I told her that I had a talk all planned about the lack of intimacy and playtime, how I was going to wait for August and not worry about it, and then Wednesday night she blew my mind and ruined the talk, which made her laugh. We discussed fantasies I have that I don't want to happen, a topic raised in the chapter. One of them came from her statement of maybe one day chopping my glans off. I showed her the video of the eunuch with only half a penis which she thought was interesting but not very nice. I told her that I had been wondering about whether she would ever actually want me castrated and said that while I didn't think so at the moment, i could totally see her doing it in the future. The arc of her becoming my Mistress is only going in one direction, slowly, but surely.

That led to another discussion, about amazing things she has done but not repeated, even though she enjoyed them. She again asked me for examples. They included the time she made me kneel and masturbate for her, when she totally became a stern Mistress. There was also the fun she had with me on our holiday in Austria. She agreed that that was incredible, but the apartment we stayed in gave us the space and facilities, like a huge walk in shower, to really let her explore what she enjoyed. Luckily we are booked to stay in the same apartment this December.

I helped Elle wash her hair, copying a picture I saw on Tumblr, where the guy sits with his feet in the bath behind her back. I did have to get out every time she wanted to wash the shampoo and conditioner off, but she really enjoyed my attention. After the bath she went to her bedroom and unlocked me so I could have a good wash. We had been swimming in the morning and she wanted me to get the chlorine off.

After that she lay on her bed and told me to give her a massage. I love doing this, and she rewarded me by letting me lick her bottom. After a while She turned over and I asked for permission to lick her pussy. She took my breath away by telling me she wanted to make love. I looked stunned but agreed. I said that after two months I might not last very long, not asking whether I was allowed to cum. Her answer was to tell me to put on some delay spray. So, along with my cock rings to help keep me hard, I gave myself a good coating of the Stud 100 spray.

Being able to make love, while the woman I love enjoys my attentions, but not to be able to feel what I am doing is liberating. She loved it. The groans she made, the way she moved, oh, without the spray I wouldn't have lasted. She led the pace and through subtle hints made me lie close to her or to push up above her. I was on top, but she was in charge. At one point she even put a hand between us and played with her clit, I wish I could have seen it but to know, or at least suspect that was what she was doing, was amazing.

The build up to her orgasm was interesting. When I lick her pussy I can sense her build up and it carries me along with the wave of bliss. While I am numbed I know I have to be careful or I can make her feel sore. Because of that I was more in control of myself and didn't get the same rush. What I did get was to see her ascend into her O, to realise she wanted me to keep going and to watch her open her eyes after, to feel her body against mine as she calmed.

After a cuddle she told me I was to be locked up again. It was the two month point of my current period of denial, but she told me that it wasn't time yet for me to have an orgasm. The only problem she was being so assertive with me I became erect again and couldn't get my HT back on. She didn't help matters by suddenly turning on her Mistress Elle persona and paddling me, telling me I should control myself better.

A brilliant, brilliant evening.

 

I am so grateful to you @Caged Wolf that it happened. It was your descriptions of using delay spray whilst making love to your wife that helped us decide to try it. I actually forgot to add one thing to the description of what happened last night. It was the very first time that Elle told me she wanted to make love and that I should put on the delay spray. Every other time until now I have asked her whether she wanted me to put the spray on and she has agreed.

After we finished I told her that I hadn't been sure whether I was allowed to have an orgasm of my own, but that was answered when she told me she wanted me to use the spray. Another example of how we move along this path at her pace. Very slow but with significant long term gains.