what happens when you say no

I don't have any issue with your response, she has obviously forgotten that any relationship, even one involving denial needs constant nurturing. My Wife loves being in charge of our sex life, and my wearing a cage turns her on like nothing else. In every other way we are equals, as parents you have to be. I think there has to be as much respect for the person who's wearing the cage, as for the dominate partner who demands the submission. If I were you I'd have a talk with her and try to establish were things went haywire. There are no rules to this.

Jay.

 

Communication and negotiation are part of any relationship, even (or especially) D/s. Feeling neglected can be intensified by chastity but regardless it is not sustainable in a relationship. Did you express these feelings while you were locked up?
If not, I encourage you to discuss this with her now. You might want to lead with apologizing for not brining it up sooner; communication is a two way street after all and she might not have realized how you felt.
It has happened to me many times where I get to the point where I'm discouraged and frustrated, but some responsibilty is mine to recognize this and communicate it before 'the breaking point.' It's a skill that takes time to develop I've found.
Perhaps after that discussion you will have the confidence to submit again, and know how to communicate these kinds of feelings more effectively in the future. I think it might also be a good idea to lock up, and then have this conversation. That way you can show her you're submitting to her wishes, and in return you need something from her to not feel neglected this time.
Best of luck, I hope you can get to the point of enjoying chastity again.

 

I don't think you have any idea how much dedication it takes to be an attentive keyholder.
Sometimes she might not feel like putting in the effort, which is her prerogative being keyholder.
I really think you ought to learn to take the rough with the smooth.

 

My wife is very vanilla and since I wear the HTv2 our sex live is still limited in frequency, but slowly I see a change in intensity when we do it. She comes and I do not. simple.

Do I feel neglected sometimes? Sure, but this is for both of us a journey for the long term.

We do communicate much better and flirt again which was all reduced to zero before the start of our chastity journey.

She is so vanilla, that for practical reasons that I understand she does not want to be my keyholder, and I will not put pressure on her to be; just do my part of the deal and (almost) never question her part of the deal.
It works for us and as said before, it works thanks to the very much improved communication (*) and renewed mutal feeling of love (both erotic and common) that we now share.

(*): e.g.: we talk about it when I feel neglected and because she realy listens I feel better afterwards, even when nothing sexual happened

Talk, talk, talk: that is so important.

Best of luck to you both!

 

Respect is a two way street and a Keyholder should appreciate the efforts of their caged partner, especially in a working relationship.


Jay.

 

Once again, communication is the key!

 

ooh. please @beck dint you even have a cuddle when you was locked up.

 

Vanilla sex also comes and goes in long term couples depending mostly on external circumstances. BDSM helps, but doesn't prevent you getting into a rut. There are various ways around this.

We have some routine protocol and use a discipline system, where she gives out demerits which result in whippings so even when the sex is on a low, the BDSM/Femdom keeps coming.

We've also tied her orgasm to my chastity. (You might find our contract inspiring: http://becomeherslave.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/our-final-female-led-relationship.html)

 

I think you need to talk to her. You also need to put it back on. If you want to live the lifestyle you should. If you don't want to live the lifestyle of your wife having your balls in her purse than don't wear it. You'll me more happier with talking with her and putting it back on. Sometimes she won't be attentive. That's when you do your own thing. Read a comic. Play a video game. That's what I do. But everytime I pee I know she's happy. Not only am I sitting down to pee but I know she's happy knowing she has full control.

 

The old question of topping from the bottom. When is expressing your needs as a submissive crossing the line into telling your Dom what to do. I am no expert with keyholders, I've only had one for 4 months. Before I put it on I told her my expectations of her. Submitting requires work from her. She may not want to always be in mistress mode, and doesn't have to be, but if she couldn't take the time for a sensual text, a whisper in my ear, or a gentle caress in passing, then I would get depressed. I would fall into a funk of what am I doing. This dog doesn't need constant praise and attention, but i know I need to show my devotion and know it is appreciated. I'm not talking about orgasms or sex, I'm talking about acknowledgement or abbandendment. I would never give up on it but I would talk with her about taking a break from this dynamic until she can commit to my Chastity and all the work that goes into it. Life will eventually put a damper on it at sometime or another. Sickness, money problems, work issues, kids, exes, death of a loved one...all can make a couple say timeout. As long as it's not one person taking a timeout without informing the other.

 

well @beck i love cuddles and i wud miss them lots if cudnt have them so i hopes that you has some more of them. i wud put your cage back on tho cos if dint i wud be smacked hard.

 

ooh, that very nice of you to say but im not lemon juce and that's what we has with pancakes.

 

I would make sure everything is okay with her (your mistress). Sounds like she's lost her sex drive for one reason or another. The first year I was locked up my mistresses sex drive was fairly low and at times it made chastity for me difficult because I was expecting much more teasing and playfulness. I certainly wasn't forgotten about like you say you were, but I really felt a lack of intimacy. It turned out that my mistress was experiencing high anxiety because of her masters program she is going through. It was throwing her off and making her lose her sex drive in turn killing our intimacy. She has a prescription for that now and is a much happier person.

The other problem was me... I was expecting to much teasing and play than what she wanted to give me. I complained and asked her if she would tease me more etc... What I wasn't doing was listening to her and how she wanted to conduct my chastity. We had different ideas on what we thought chastity and teasing should be. I'm much more about the physical teasing and being dominated via strap on and humiliation and whatnot. She is more about denying me altogether any teasing and anything I'd really like just to fuck with my mind then she'll completely surprise me with some extremely erotic play.

I find it very confusing sometimes but once I wrapped my head around her style of dominance I've come to an understanding of what she wants. I don't always agree or like what she wants to do with me but that's the whole point is to submit to her wishes. I would sit down and have a talk with your mistress and make sure that she is "okay" see why she's changed over the last 2 1/2 months and basically been ignoring you. Then if all is well the two of you can discuss what you can expect from chastity from here on out. Understand her approach to chastity at this point and see if that's something you can handle.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, being locked and left is not very fun. In fact it can very much diminish your desires if no intimacy is involved.

 

I just read this post in a new thread and I wanted to say Thank you for posting it. You are so right. Most men are still thinking about themselves.

 

As we did for 45 years, I have a safe word that if used, means I am serious and to stop all play and talk. I have learned the hard and painful way of the importance of safe and sane play. I also know that the sub has all the power, not the domme. The submissive gives permission to the domme to dominate them and can withdraw it at anytime. The domme cannot legally dominate anyone without their permission. So subs are really the ones in control of the goal while the domme decides how to reach that goal. The sub and domme must also discuss likes and limits. A sexual fetish should be about both parties getting what they want out of it, if even if it is just money for one of them.

Each year my wife and I negotiate the least amount of orgasms I get. The reason for that is that she has said if it is up to her, I would get none since she has no use for my penis. We have not had intercourse for about 15-20 years and she uses her vibrator almost exclusively with oral sex a once or twice a year thing. I am sterile and have Diabetes induced ED that most times even Viagra cannot help. My penis is smaller than it used to be due to old age, weight gain and being locked up all the time. Plus my wife is more interested in sex with women, than men due to her dislike of penetration. We also negotiate the frequency of sex. This year instead of it being once a week, it is only when my wife is in the mood.

We also adjust throughout the year, trying this and that to see what we like and to keep chastity from becoming boring as it is not as exciting as our other fetishes in our life unless you make chastity part of a larger fetish. Nothing is written in stone and if I feel I need more frequent orgasms I will talk to my wife and compromise. My wife will also give me an orgasm if she feels I am in mental or physical distress, so I feel safe in her hands. Finally, I can use my safe word to bring everything to a screeching halt. Our fetishes are our sex games and not our life and marriage. I am never dominated, I choose to submit to women who I trust and worthy of my submission.

What it boils down to is making it fun for both of us and not trying to do chastity by someone else's standards.

 

I have been guilty of this at times ,sudden loss of control & power can be a knock a to your confidence and then comes feeling of confusion and loss as to how to get it back.
And I have given Daisy the cold shoulder at times and at some point he's come to me and asked me gently to put him back in
If she isn't up to talking about it ,try an email