Kasaru's Blog

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  1. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    I think with my blog I may well spend a bit of time filling in the gaps.

    I joined Chastity Mansion a few days ago but I have been active in bdsm for nearly twenty years.

    So, I may have to let people in on how I get to be where I am now.

    It may be interesting or not. My life has definitely been more interesting, mentally and sexually since I took my first tentative steps toward finding out if what I had always fantasised about would be as fulfilling in reality.

    I don't know why I had two mainstream marriages in my past. Sometimes, when I look back, I feel a stranger must have inhabited my body then. My first marriage was a youthful error. My second was happy, very happy, well, except for the fact he was quite dominant in his way, uncompromising really and somehow despite loving him very much, the sex was never what I had hoped for. However, he was supportive when my furtive reading of bdsm erotic fiction was confessed and he was even happy for me to seek out a sub. That was about 1996 and the internet was a new experience to me.
     
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  2. Mistress B
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    Mistress B Mistress B

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    Welcome to the Mansion @Kasaru and well done in using the correct forum for your blog. :) Since subklik's absence, we are missing the office girl.
     
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  3. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    So, there I was back in 1996 and I had my then husband's approval to get involved in bdsm both in terms of playing and socialising in the burgeoning social scene.

    I felt like a child in a sweet shop. I had known all my adult life that I liked being in authority over men, that I had some sadistic pleasures and that I enjoyed controlling men's sexual experiences.

    Within a couple of years, I started finding out about the UK bdsm scene by joining the now defunct website Informed Consent ( IC) and ventured out to the local meeting of the Cambridge Leather Rose Society ( a kind of proto-munch) which met in a pub not far form where I lived.

    The people I met at the LRS were a mixed bunch, some were welcoming and friendly whereas some seemed to think female dominants were not real dominants and needed to wear all kinds of fetish gear to be taken seriously.

    Well, early on, I knew I was not into leather, latex/rubber or pvc. I just wasn't into dressing up for my pleasures. I knew I was dominant and didn't feel wearing certain clothes in anyway enhanced my own pleasure or sense of self. This attitude was rather dismissed by some who thought themselves 'Old Guard' even though in the UK, we didn't share that tradition or development of bdsm.

    I chatted to sub men on the internet and at the LRS meetings and knew that I was definitely into D/s big time, with me as the Dominant.

    I played with some subs, and had some fun. I became quite fond of some but never felt any intimate or deep emotion. After all, I was married and I was out for fun. I was on the scene for only about six months when I decided I wanted to do domination professionally as this was the safest way for me to meet subs and have fun without the risk of getting emotionally involved. My husband was amazingly encouraging and supportive, designing me my first website and so I started running a few professional sessions. In my professional guise I always made it clear I wasn't going to be dressing up in leather, rubber or PVC and made clear any of my hard limits, as I wanted to be open and honest with any prospective fee-paying subs.

    I did this in a part-time low keyway for about a year but then due to my husband wanting to take up a job in a city he had live din briefly as a child but had many connections with, we upped sticks and moved across country to another provincial city, not unlike Cambridge in many ways.
     
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  4. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    The Oxford years ( 2000-2007) were so busy. Never had busier times in my PD career. I was occupied full-time, seeing two subs per day, each weekday, often booked up for weeks and weeks in advance. It was fun but rather tiring. I think if you give a lot in those kinds of sessions, you can feel very tired. A kind of elated exhaustion, which gave me huge highs and so much pleasure, but it was draining. I had to make sure I was never pressured into seeing more subs than I could pleasurably enjoy.

    In 2002, I met two very special men, Paul and M. Both are still my subs despite my retirement a couple of years ago. Paul ended up becoming my partner, now husband and 24/7 sub. M is still my sub and we see each other when we can, despite his living a long way from my current home.

    Back to Oxford..... it was a time when I honed and refined myself as a dominant. I experimented with all kinds of bdsm, and discovered at the end of it all, that I genuinely only love the things I started out really loving, mainly D/s, strict sexual control, CP, CBT, anal, bondage, some mild humiliation (only with M), nipple play and electrics.

    I had a smallish playroom really, very bijou, an estate agent would have said, but it was well-laid out and had all I needed in it as well as a huge variety of all kinds of toys.

    My subs said they were attracted to seeing me because my domination style was different, calm, quiet, and I dressed in normal clothing, so the experience felt more natural, like a wife or girlfriend. I guess that is my preferred style. I am fine at roleplay but just get most out of any play if I am being myself. I did laugh in those crazy-busy years that some had said earlier on I would never be successful if I refused to 'dress up' and also if I refused to do certain stereotypical Dominatrix activities. They were wrong. Sub men come in all guises and not all of them wanted what had been traditionally dished up as female domination. The ones who came to see me appreciated my quirky take on it and many were loyal subs for over a decade.

    When I moved from Oxford, to pastures new, when I started living with Paul in my first ( and only) 24/7 D/s, it was to a different area, a different life and one which began the slow winding down of my PDing, although I did not know it then.
     
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  5. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    Now, it is mid 2007, and you find me at the part of the story where in all probability I should have stopped PDing. After all, I was now living with Paul in 24/7 D/s bliss and it would have been a good time to stop PDing and try a new venture.

    However, we bought a big house with a large very promising outdoor building just thirty miles from London. This decision meant I was destined to carry on PDing, after all, the large outbuilding was perfect for running sessions. 18 feet by 15 feet, double glazed, heated and now completely done out as a kinky playroom, it was the best play space I had ever had. So, the PDing continued.

    Meanwhile, Paul and I were settling into our relationship, for although we had been Dominant and sub for over four years, being together as a couple in a 24/7 D/s was a new development.

    We had already worked out the basic ground rules and Paul was very used to being under my authority but being together all the time meant we had to make sure we were both going to enjoy the relationship and commit to it mutually.

    I have always had a particular penchant for sexual control. I don't like my male sexual partners to have sexual freedom in any way. I am only excited and aroused when I am in control of sex and all that goes with it.

    Paul had been placed under strict sexual control and had used a variety of the plastic CB devices. I think we ended up having one of every kind they produced. Our favourite was the first one, the CB2000, as it was a small restrictive cage with nicely open bars for optimum cleanliness. We always bought genuine CB devices because I had experience from some of my PD subs of the folly of buying cheap rip-off devices.

    Paul was expected to wear his CB2000 whenever he was not with me. I don't mean he had to change into it if he went out of the room but if he went out of the house without me, he would be wearing his device.

    Paul has never been allowed to masturbate. I want to be in control of his cock and all of his sexual pleasures, so he is never permitted to touch his cock sexually.

    I do love to touch and tease him. It is a real thrill for me to have men bubbling with sexual desire but to forbid them to satisfy that desire. The power kick I get from keeping men frustrated is intensely exciting.

    I also want my subs to be sexually dependent upon me. I want to make them orgasm as and when I demand. It should always be my choice and my right to do with the exactly as I wish. Sexually, they are my toys, my playthings, used for my pleasure and for my own erotic arousal.

    From mid 2007 until Feb 2010, we lived happily in our house with the wonderful playroom. We spent all our spare time and lots of money on renovating the house, mostly ourselves, picking up new DIY skills constantly and enjoying the process, until a sad event forced us to move back to the town where I had been brought up and had left 25 years previously.

    My Dad died in late 2009 and it soon became clear that we would need to move to Norfolk to be close to my widowed mother. Paul left his job of thirty years and we moved into a rented farmhouse, outside my home town and tried to sort out what we were going to do next.

    Since getting together with Paul, in 2007, we had moved three times, and would move once more.

    Still, even back in Norfolk, I carried on with PDing but I did know soon it would stop. I had become more and more inflexible in what I would do, and picked subs very much on the basis of whether they were compatible with the real me, and so would be happy with me dominating them exactly in my own way, style and method. I saw fewer subs, for sure but enjoyed the sessions more. I met K, a very nice man, who I still have a D/s with today, along with M and, of course, Paul.

    Paul and I started house-hunting and one place was head and shoulders above any other in the town. It was even on the same road as my Mother, about half a mile from her house. So, we bought it and thankfully, are for the time being, settled here.

    This brings me up to date. I have finished PDing. I retain K and M as my subs. K visits as often as he can, given his work which takes him abroad for several weeks at a time, and M visits when he can given he lives a long way away and has had a cripplingly painful back condition for a couple of years now. All my boys know and like each other. There is no jealousy as they all know they are special to me, even though Paul is the primary one, the only one whom I have sex with, and kiss. My other two are under my complete sexual control and submit to my control in some other areas of their lives, although I do not have overall authority as I do with Paul.
     
  6. windrush
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    windrush Junior Member

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    There is a great deal of complete fiction written on this website, so it is a breath of fresh air to read these truthful posts.
     
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  7. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    Well, I see no point in fabricating in my blog. I can write fiction but I promise I will always say if that is the case :)
     
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  8. windrush
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    windrush Junior Member

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    In fact, your posts are purrfect, and on a site which has far too many "catty" remarks!
     
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  9. chairandstone
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    chairandstone Active member

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    Lovely post.
     
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  10. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    Anyway, a bit more while I am in the mood to write.

    Today, as I said, I have three subs, Paul, M and K, all of whom are under my strict sexual control.

    I have always worked on the basis that trust is incredibly important to me. I need to be able to trust my subs to take adult responsibility for the obedience they promised. They can trust me to be the dominant the know me to be, so I need the same from them in terms of their commitment in submission to me.

    I am truly lucky, all three are honest, reliable and decent men, who love to please me with their obedience. They make me proud of them. In that they are similar. however, as people and subs they are also very different. Paul and K are not turned on or motivated by any form of humiliation, so I do not use that with them. They are both oriented toward offering themselves to be useful and hard working, so will without question do any chores or tasks they are given. They will often work together on big projects like when I needed some garden alterations. Neither of them enjoy or crave being spanked or beaten hard but both know I can beat them if I wish and accept it. They enjoy submitting to it even if the pain of it doesn't thrill them.

    K has a higher pain threshold than Paul in most areas. K is very happy for me to just do exactly as I want with him, which is like Paul too.

    M has a passionate love of being sexually controlled, much more strictly even than the other two, he does enjoy mild to moderate humiliation, loves me to ensure he knows his place and he can take very hard canings and whippings, which he does not enjoy for the pain, but for the subsequent erotic remembrances. I think of him as my 'whipping boy' as I act like an imperious Queen ( a role I do see myself as fitting, more later) caning him often and hard for whatever reason I choose. He has taught himself to never question me but to accept me as a superior who is right by default.

    K and Paul wear MM jailbirds but M operates entirely on the honour system, although he and I exchange fantasies of him wearing devices which I know he enjoys in his mind at least.

    K wears his device the most, as he can when he works abroad, taking it off if he has to go by air at all, but once at work it is worn all the time, removed once a day for cleaning as I am fanatical about penile cleanliness and no sub of mine goes more than a day without the device comes off and he gives himself and the device a good clean. K is allowed a full orgasm every four weeks at present, with a few ruined ones permitted at intervals in between and a very regular self-teasing schedule so he is always very horny and feels controlled.

    Paul gets the most full orgasms of the three, whereas M is only allowed two per year now.

    I should say, maybe here, it is as good a place as any. I do not do any cuckolding. It simply doesn't excite or interest me at all.

    I am only sexually aroused by submissive men. They are the ones who make me horny. Dominant or mainstream non-kinky men really turn me off. I don't see sub men as sexually inferior, weak or lesser as men at all. I love the way a strong man will submit to be sexually dominated, taken, ridden, used and that he and I both get off on it completely. If a man takes any kind of control sexually, I go dry as a bone and lose interest fast. My dominance is definitely very active in the bedroom, and my hard-wiring is only that way sexually.
     
  11. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading. I really wish my wife had some of what you have lol.
     
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  12. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    I love chastity, by which I mean keeping men under my sexual control, controlling their orgasms, non-orgasmic ejaculations and masturbation completely. Chastity for me is all about keeping these men for my sole use in whatever way I wish. I am most certainly not turned on by locking men up and leaving them locked up. My interest in sexual control is precisely the opposite.

    I need my subs to be very aroused a lot of the time, ready, willing and able to get hard when I want, so I can play with them, hurt them and if I ever feel like it, make them orgasm. I do restrict their full orgasms though, just not as much as many women on here might do. I never want a man to be able to shut down sexually, because then he has to my way of thinking slipped from out of my control and gone somewhere I do not want him to be.

    Paul my husband has the most full orgasms, often every week or fortnight at most. He has gone longer but I think a month is the longest ever. He is teased a lot, and is made to perform non-orgasmic ejaculations quite often too.

    Like all my subs, he has no right to touch himself sexually and as he lives with me, he is never allowed to. He does wear a MM Jailbird when he is away from me, as a symbolic act. I do fuck him, whereas I do not fuck, suck or kiss my other two subs. I love PIV with him and like to have my fun regardless of whether I allow him to orgasm.

    M is only allowed a maximum of two full orgasms per year entirely at my discretion. He is kept under a regular and scheduled tease and ruined orgasm regime as is K. I alter the regimes every few months to keep them on their toes and to keep things fresh.

    M has just been told he must no longer stand when he urinates or use a urinal. He is to behave with modesty, keeping his penis for me and me alone. No one but a medical person is to ever see it or touch it. As I say, I do not fuck him but I do play with his cock to tease him or make him ejaculate or orgasm. He is no longer allowed to handle his bare cock with his bare hand and so must use latex/rubber/washing up gloves to wash or tease himself.

    K is on a different regime. He tends to wear his MM Jailbird all the time except for when I state he must remove it for teasing or ruined
    orgasm sessions. He is kept very frustrated, very sexually needy and is allowed one full orgasm per month, although I can deny him if I want to. he has no rights to anything, just like the others :)

    The more restricted but sexually hyped they are kept the more horny I am and the better my own orgasms are. They all know they are kept in sexual need and suffering so my pleasure is greater. My sexual pleasure centres around submissive men and controlling their sexual lives. I do not get turned on by non-sub men but the sub men I relate to are those with very healthy sex drives who have to work hard to be obedient to me when their cocks are often hard and desperate.
     
  13. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    Back home after a few days travelling with Paul as he did some audit work for a charity. Tired but happy to be back home.

    I am a real home bird nowadays and love nothing more than to be in our warm cosy home and especially tucked up in our comfy bed.

    So, I am very happy, if a little tired, but then as I am still getting over being ill for quite a while, I know to accept fatigue for a while more.

    It was my state of happiness which made me think.

    I often read that people talk of setting up FLRs and the maintaining of them in terms of hard work and trials and tribulations.

    I have never felt like that in the slightest. Hard work for me was trying to be in a mainstream marriage with no D/s. Hard work for Paul was being in a sexless, passionless marriage with a woman who had become just a friend, not a wife. Hard work is being a square peg in a round hole.

    Since we started living together eight years ago, Paul and I have been through a concentrated set of life challenges including deaths of two parents and two very close friends, illness, job loss, several house moves, increasing responsibility for an elderly parent, pets dying, all the range of upsets and problems we all have to face at some point.

    Being with him, the right man in the right relationship has meant that these challenges can be met head on because what we have built supports and nurtures us both, leaving us stronger to face difficulties.

    Even when we have issues within the D/s, they are resolved so much more easily because we both created the D/s and are committed to it continuing.

    Today's blog is just a way of honouring and celebrating our D/s marriage, giving thanks for all it has given us. It is St Valentine's Day tomorrow, also my 48th birthday, and as I won't be doing a blog then, I wanted to note that for us the FLR we are in is the only place we want to be.
     
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  14. richard
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    richard Just me

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    Fantastic reading. thank you very much for writing your blog or should I say biography. :)
     
  15. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!

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    Great thread!
     
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  16. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    Well, survived the St Valentine's/birthday thing as always. Actually, didn't do anything special at all really just went out with my 80 year old Mum and then came back to hers as we normally do on a Saturday and chilled out. Just as well as I seem to be catching a cold, my first in absolutely ages. I know if you have a B12 deficiency, you can end up getting a lot of colds, and minor illnesses, but I haven't thankfully, so getting this cold rather surprised me. In fact, I blamed it on my B12 injection on Friday, as sometimes I do get odd reactions after my jab :-(

    Back to the fun stuff, this morning it was time to tease my darling Paul some more. It is about two weeks now since he has been given a full orgasm and, although he is not kept permanently in his device, he is always obedient to my wishes. He is getting frustrated, so we had a lot of fun, getting him hard, then sending him off to make tea, getting him hard again and teasing him, then sending him off to make breakfast, lots of sexy stuff we both enjoy, one ruined orgasm for him and lots of full orgasms for me. A perfect Sunday morning :)

    Meanwhile M, another of my subs has been driving himself quite mad with frustration this weekend. I made him buy a male stroker tube, made from silicone, to use with water based lube to tease himself. I then insisted he cut it down to about half its size, so he can only stroke the shaft. This was apparently insanely tormenting, so much he was moaning and gritting his teeth. That toy will feature heavily from now on, right through to June when ( unless he seriously displeases me) he will be allowed one full orgasm, one of only two he is permitted max per year.

    Seeing K, my third sub this week. He has been away for work for about twelve weeks, as is normal for him and so we will have some catching up to do. He is down to one full orgasm per month now, with a rigorous teasing regime he must follow as that is a real kink of mine. I shall get him to bring his fleshlight with him, so he can tease himself in front of me.

    So, I shall have to feel better on Thursday when K visits. It is noticeable how rubbish I feel with this cold. I am still so fatigued with the b12 deficiency that any slight snuffle feels really bad. Not looking forward to my Neurology appointment tomorrow as consultants are generally useless when it comes to B12 issues. I will feel much more relaxed once that is over.
     
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  17. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    Another brilliant and honest piece of writing @Kasaru and I sincerely hope tomorrow's (well today's now) appointment goes better than you expect and your are pleasantly surprised by it.
     
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  18. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    Ahh well, it went very much as we expected.

    The Neurologist knows nothing about B12 deficiency and so only wanted to know about the neuro symptoms and avoided talking about the none neuro ones, and unsurprisingly he came up with a neurological reason for my hand tremors and loss of fine motor coordination.

    His view is I am suffering from what are known as essential tremors, a degenerative shaking disorder. Maybe I am but maybe I am not. I can't say for sure. It is possible that I am as my Mum has them but then the tremors could be the nerve damage to the central nervous system caused by the B12 deficiency being untreated for well over a year. I shall keep on injecting the B12 and see how much more improvement occurs.
     
  19. Kasaru
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    Kasaru Active member

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    Today I exchanged e-mail with my sub of over twelve years, M who was discussing with me how compelling he finds my dominance, and the regime under which I keep him.

    He told me how his weekend of teasing had gone. Frustratingly, I am told :) I was very pleased to hear this. I alluded to the method in my post yesterday.

    What we went on to explore today was just how real he finds his situation, the one where when I see him I punish him severely with cane and leather strap and where I keep him frustrated and teased regularly. Where he is allowed only two full orgasm per year maximum and he already lost one of them this year. His full orgasms have to happen in my presence and only my hand ever directly touches his bare cock. He has to handle it with gloves on when he pees, washes or when he performs his regular teasing sessions. He knows deep down he is not bound to me legally. He could walk away. However, over the last twelve years we have created a slowly tightening ring of authority and control, so he has slowly but surely been transformed into my sexually controlled whipping boy and now, he cannot envisage being free or able to leave the life I have decided will be his forever.

    Apparently, he finds the idea he is powerless to leave, bound to me forever to be erotically compelling. It is as though he has forgotten he once made a free choice to enter into my service, and now lives as though he were owned by me like a slave, even if we do not use those words or concepts.

    I find his immersion in, and commitment to, what we have gradually built really satisfying.
     
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  20. uknorwichcouple
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    uknorwichcouple New member

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    Wow somebody else in sunny Norfolk.

    nice to know there are at least two of us dom females in normal Norfolk.
     
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