Letting Go: Finding your way as a submissive man.

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Usul, Oct 21, 2014.

?

The prospect of giving the woman I love complete control over my life makes me:

  1. extremely uncomfortable

    3.3%
  2. cautiously intrigued

    9.8%
  3. strangely aroused

    47.5%
  4. blind with desire

    21.3%
  5. stupidly eager to agree to whatever she says

    18.0%
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  1. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    No no no, most definitely enjoyed all of the attention so far, except the last bit of tomfoolery. I've just got got my panties in a twist. I do want to continue this discussion, and all exaggeration aside wonder if my title threw off Mr. Know it all.
     
  2. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    And it's not that they weren't welcome, it's that they were obviously irrelevant. I politely pointed that out, and then it got ugly for no apparent reason. Likely somebody can't handle they booze.
     
  3. MissCharlotte
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    MissCharlotte Active member

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    Sometimes threads get off topic and then back on again. I have seen moderators correct people if they need to be corrected and get things back on track. What people (anyone) say to you, says more about them than it does about you. Just continue your thread on the topic you want it to be on and others will follow suit.
     
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  4. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    Yeah, sorry I got annoyed everyone. I feel embarrassed about being bitchy now. I'll get it back on track.
     
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  5. maid_carrie
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    Staff Member Moderator

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    We are all ears now :)
     
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  6. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Even the most subby sub gets bitchy now and then, we're human after all.

    Trying to find my own way tbh, subbing from the bottom while doing my best to inform my wonderful (who's pretty well vanilla with a twist). Feels like scrabbling in the dark at the moment, but we're light-years ahead of where we were only 6 months ago.

    Please - more of your way finding! I'm doing my best to do the things asked of me today, and using this thread as inspiration.
     
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  7. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I'm so glad you like it. There's more of our story on my journal if you are interested. In the Vault, titled "The Lifestyle I asked for"
     
  8. proximacentauri
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    proximacentauri Active member

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    I said I would be out of this thread, but I just want to apologize because it looks like my reply hurt people's sensibilities.

    I still stand by the spirit of my comments, though, although I wish to thank espylady for clearing up why it wasn't abuse.

    That being said, it could have been, if the situation was slightly different (as it happened to me and another I know.)

    I'll just leave these two points here before I leave. Before chastity I was into BDSM and have been active in the community, workshops, as well as lifestyle events such as the floating world and brimstone. This is what we've understood as good practice:

    1. Never 'play' in anger. If you have to, be extra extra careful and monitor yourself (this goes for both Dom/Sub)
    2. Both the domme and the submissive need to want this the same. In Usul's case, that's clear, and thats ultimately how you get rid of the ego. Any other way means you're being forced into it. That can't end well.
     
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  9. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    lol... yes, I let her tell me what to do, but it's not because I'm being forced to against my will. It's because she's so flame hot I don't want to oppose her. It's her butt really. It's fantastic.
     
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  10. subklik
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    subklik Office Girl

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    So, do we continue ere or go to the vault? Or even better...BOTH?
     
  11. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I'm going to continue to use the vault as a journal. I will continue to try to discuss flr here.
     
  12. subklik
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    subklik Office Girl

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    well OK then. I will be reading faithfully.
     
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  13. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I'm going to continue here, on the topic of submitting when it isn't easy, and when you don't want to submit. I think it is an important distinction between a female led relationship, and other types of relationships. We as a couple have chosen to arrange our marriage in a way that puts her as the final decision maker in all things. She does need, and listen to my opinions and I give council on every important decision. I feel that my opinion has value, and is respected by her. When I am locked in a cage, and sexually docile, it seems she has even more patience about listening to my opinion. I feel that we communicate very well this way.

    But before chastity, when we discussed something, and didn't agree - there were tendencies for the argument to escalate, and likely end with no agreement or decision being made, and both of us going off to pout about it. It was very inefficient. It wasn't fun. And it wasn't functioning well. It caused that argument to spill over into other smaller disagreements - what we were going to have for dinner and those sort of trivial things. And it put even more stress on our already waning sexual appetite for each other. It was often a no win situation, simply to disagree.

    You put any two people into a relationship, living together, sharing a budget, sharing free time - there are going to be disagreements. When the two people in question are bull headed and stubborn, as both me and my wife are, it's going to be difficult to resolve disagreements. While there are many healthy ways to go about it, and I don't claim this is the only one, in our lives and for our situation I cannot imagine any better way it could have worked out than the way it did. We unilaterally agreed that she was the leader. It isn't kinky, and has nothing to do with the fun sexy side of our relationship. In our case, and for our situation, it works out that she has gained my respect more and more as we've done this for being a more rational decision maker than I am. If she was screwing it up somehow, I wouldn't probably feel the same, but I marvel at how much better everything runs when I submit to her as the master of the home.

    That being said, it wasn't easy for me to give in. It sometimes is still not easy to do. I feel that I am a smart man, who has a good grasp of the problems life presents us, and solutions to move us forward. When she has a different plan, that I don't agree with - and we're talking about major decisions about our children, our budget, our home - she is going to hear my opinion and every supporting detail I can come up with. Often, it will affect her decision even if she doesn't outright agree with me. But when it doesn't, and after I have poured my heart out in defense of my opinion and she simply decides to move forward with a plan I don't agree with, I feel the stubborn argumentative me inside, welling up, wanting to turn it into an argument. I get flustered. She see's it on my face. I am silent, and trying to think of a way to convince her to change her mind and failing to come up with anything. I start getting inwardly frustrated, perhaps even angry. This is when it is true submission. In the back of my head, a little voice reminds me that it has been working well, that I trust her. I remember that she is smart, that she love us, and isn't going to do anything to hurt me. I realize that she has patiently listened to, and considered my argument. I take a deep breath, feel a wave of calmness rush over me and say, "Yes dear, I understand."

    Sometimes I come to that point quickly, sometimes I don't. But when I do, and later when her decision proves to work out well, my respect for her grows. And right then.... oooh, in those moments... I am so attracted to her. Then it does become sexual for me. I love the moments where she shows how capable she is. Gets me all worked up for her. And she knows this.
     
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  14. Caged Wolf
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    Caged Wolf A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf.

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    Usul,
    This post hit it right on the head! I couldn't write a better description of how that aspect of our relationship is working, even down to the release when it hits me and I say the magic words "Yes Dear"!
     
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  15. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    yes but please who say when you has to be smacked. i bets you don't have a say then do you.
     
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  16. cbur1334
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    cbur1334 Member

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    That is a really good point. I can't entirely relate as I haven't been lucky enough yet to find a kh/ dom, but I completely agree with the statement about it being easier to submit when your playing. I know for me, when I find a partner to have this lifestyle with, and coming home after a physical job, it'll be challenging for me to submit to doing the laundry when all my back wants to do is lay down. I hope when that time comes I'll remember this, and prove to my mistress I truly love her. Thankyou for that, truly food for thought :)
     
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  17. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    Obviously, she decides that. Haha. But ok, let's be honest, I really enjoy that part. It has become less frequent as I have gotten better at behaving properly.
     
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  18. Caged Wolf
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    Caged Wolf A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf.

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    cbur,
    i work a very physical job, and when i get home the last thing i really want to do is start doing chores (laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc), but i do it anyway because that is what She wants me to do. In return She cares for me, makes sure i have what i need, etc. Sometimes i start to feel like i should say something about it, but then i remember something critical to the whole relationship...

    i WILLINGLY gave up control to Her, for real not just as play.

    It is not my place to argue, i am allowed to give myhonest opinion when asked, but as Usul has said the choice of how relevant my opinion is up to Her.


    Usul,
    Please continue, looking forward to reading more!
     
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  19. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    This is exactly right, and exactly what turns me on about total submission, 24/7. I do recognize that it is voluntary. Sometimes, it takes great effort. Sometimes I'm not in the mood - but overcoming that and doing what she needs anyway makes me feel amazingly useful, and helpful, and necessary in her life.

    A common man gets upset when someone pays attention, or a compliment, or gives a come on to his girl. A common man sees this as a threat. Perhaps a common man should see this as a threat, because when she needs something from him he isn't in the mood to give, he refuses - perhaps with an attitude... perhaps with an insult. When his friends are around, he will complain about her, cutting her down when she isn't there to defend herself. Perhaps it seems innocent - but what he is doing is making her more available to others, and more willing to leave him.

    An submissive man hears another man give his lady (he doesn't call her a girl) a compliment, and he is pleased. He knows she deserves to feel beautiful, and he has no reason to be threatened. He silently lets her enjoy the pick me up of the stranger's attention. When he is around his friends, he builds her up, tells his friends he is proud to be with her. They treat her differently as a result. They respect her more, and subconsciously she knows. When she asks for something to be done, even when he is tired from that long day of work, he does it. He doesn't argue. And he knows she feels sexy and powerful as a result of watching her tired man fulfill her request without argument. In building her up, he has not only made her feel more worthy, and valuable, and beautiful - he has himself seen her that way and his attraction to her intensifies. And in this way, both of their experiences are enhanced.

    It goes further. As I have said in other blogs, or as my wife has in hers - we have 2 young daughters. They see how their father is, they see how their mother is treated. They don't see the kink, they don't know about the dirty things. But they see the respect, and adoration both of them have for each other. They learn that this is the way a husband should treat his wife. Tonight, she wanted a massage. Both daughters were in the "I need a drink" phase of going to bed, and kept coming out. They see their mother, relaxed in a chair, having her feet rubbed. There isn't anything sexual about it. But they see the intimacy, and the adoration. They will grow up looking for a man who will do that for them. They see us resolve our issues peacefully, respectfully. They see a powerful woman who listens, and who makes decisions and takes action and leads.

    The fully wife lead marriage isn't all whips and blindfolds. Most of it is very subtle, and appropriate for any spectator or witness. I like to think when our vanilla friends see how we are, and compliment how we treat each other, they pick up on at least some of this dynamic, and envy it.
     
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  20. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I want to continue, but on a tangent:

    The sexuality of our wife led marriage has become quite subtle as well. While I have become accustomed to long durations in the device, I haven't over the past two years, been made to wait much more than a week or two in between orgasms. Well, usually caged... she calls it, "letting me squirt my pathetic worm." But lately, she's been pushing me further between orgasms. It was a discussion we had. I requested it. There are times she allows me to squirt my pathetic worm that leave me feeling disappointed I didn't make it further. She does love me very much, and hasn't perhaps been as cruel as some on that particular aspect. But after some discussion, I have encouraged her to test my limits - see what it does to me, psychologically. Currently I'm at 3 weeks and thoroughly prepared to go much further. But getting to the subtlety - because my orgasms are being taken out of the game - sexuality for my part, and really, for both of us is changing. While it's surely true, she cums as often as she wants - sometimes solo, sometimes with a friend, and sometimes allowing me to bring her to climax, the game is getting more complex. There are now, every day, brief interludes of sexual activity. The kids are enthralled in coloring books and I follow her into the bedroom - briefly we embrace, caress, kiss and touch each other. Often, she whispers something truly lude into my ear with her hot breath tickling my neck, then nibbles my ear and gives my cage a squeeze. In the absence of my orgasms, these moments are so powerful to me. She loves how I respond to them, when I am all backed up and dying to be allowed a full ejaculation. I can see it turns her on to know how I tremble. She feels sexy, powerful and it makes her want to tease me more often. It is happening with an amazing and intense frequency as she pushes me further without orgasm. My pleasure is spread out now, instead of concentrated in humiliating moments on my knees furiously stroking myself while she teases me, it is given in very passionate and beautiful moments that keep me feeling blissful until the next. It's like I am always being kept aroused. Because of this, when she tells me I am allowed to taste her, or to use a toy to please her, my own orgasm is the furthest thing from my mind. I feel so totally appreciative of the insane amount of affection and attention I receive that all I want to do is give, to do it well. I am careful and patient and tender and very, very attentive when being allowed to do these things for her. It isn't just about making her climax. It isn't destination based. It's about being connected to the sounds and textures and aware of the sensitivities and the pressure of each touch and making sure she enjoys every moment. I am not brought often to climax. But I feel overwhelmed with sexual pleasure. I feel silly even keeping track of my last orgasm, and I am certain there will come a day we both stop doing that. They'll happen for me when they happen, but it isn't the point. Perhaps after she pushes me to some insane breaking point I will be totally free from the selfish finality and sleep inducing let down of the male orgasm and be able to enjoy our sex life in an even deeper and more fulfilling manner.
     
  21. Caged Wolf
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    Caged Wolf A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf.

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    Usul,
    my last O was 3~ weeks ago... don't rememeber the exact day, but, even though i have been allowed PIV sex, i was not allowed to climax, and i'm loving it! It seems to be helping the mood swings, and i'm pretty sure Mistress Wolf notices. It has, as you said, become about Her and the intimacy, instead of about me and sexual release.

    Seeing Mistress Wolf go through the various stages from intrested to climax. learning what to do to help her prolong and fully enjoy each step, and seeing just how long i am able to keep her final O going is so much more fun than the way things were.

    We are closer, more open about everything. We talk more, i actually stop what i'm doing and listen!!! We also have a Tween age daughter who has seen the changes. She understands that Mom (Mistress Wolf) is in charge. I only hope she learns the lessons adn finds someone who is willing to treat her as she deserves!
     
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  22. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    Mistress came home to me tonight, and after a good foot and leg massage, I was allowed to please her orally. She is now passed out and seems so peaceful and happy. I want to take a moment out of your time and speak in detail about my thoughts and opinions of this most holy form of worship.

    When massaging her legs I always save her inner thighs for last. It is important though to be attentive to the massage, not to rush with the feet, or neglect the ankles, or her shapely calves, and to slowly work my way to those inner thighs. It is important to give no indication that I expect to be allowed any access to the most sacred. The inner thighs require a lighter touch, when you get to them. Starting at the inside of her knees, I massage closer and closer to her center. She likes for me to continue the massage on to her pubic mound, right up to the edge of my wonderland. As I massage that area, staring into the event horizon of my own personal heaven I am overwhelmed with temptation to greedily dive in and live there for days, but as I have been trained to do I keep my dirty boy hormones from making me forget I need permission. There is no guarantee. She knows that I am dying for her to waive me in. But she doesn't alway want it. I don't always deserve it. Sometimes she will masterbate right in front of me as I sit there hoping against hope she will finish in my mouth. Then after she brings herself to climax so close to my hungry mouth that I tremble, she will allow me a tasty consolation and place her fingers in my mouth for me to lovingly suck them clean. But when the mood strikes her or she takes pity on me, as she did tonight she will simply say, "you may smell it now, but no contact. " Already kneeling, I lean forward and inhale her pheromone bouquet. My heart pounds as I breathe in and out slowly. After a few tortured minutes of being teased so cruelly she'll say, "rub your nose in it slave." Keep in mind, she still may and has denied me even at this point. I feel her silky pink flower gliding over the crest of my nose and salivate pathetically. And then when she does grant me permission, I am careful no to just dive in like a clumsy fool. I introduce my tongue gently as I savor the moment. And after some build up I get at long last to the main event. She likes a lot of pressure with relentless and consistent licks. I dig my hands into her gorgeous hips and pull them to me as I bury my face to deliver her. I hold my breath and work as hard as I can. When my lungs burn for air and the panic to inhale overcomes my ability to resist I pull back just far enough to quickly get oxygen but never stop lapping obediently. As her soft moaning gives indication she is nearing climax I hold my breath longer and longer trying to push her over the edge. Then just as I am about to pass out and my oxygen is depleted she cries out in pleasure and grabs the back of my head, pulling me in and grinds her hips into my face with enthusiastic trusts. She closes her thighs over my ears and blocks out all sounds as she quivers involuntarily. It is nearly a religious experience for me. No.... it is religion. She is a goddess.
     
  23. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    Lo Usul, no wonder she gets to hankering after a Bull now and then!.
    It sounds to me as though she's well past the "I'm feeling do guilty about being pleasured while he's locked up" phase ;-)

    Please do pass on my regards and does your new snow blower work by the way?
     
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  24. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    Will do - and no, we haven't had a big snowfall yet. Just a few inches.
     
  25. MsT'sSlave
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    MsT'sSlave Active member

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    Great post! This could be me/Us.
     
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