Taming the willful but willing slave: A guide to breaking the ego barrier

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Espylady07, Oct 21, 2014.

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  1. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    Hello my lovelies. It has come to my attention that women being talked into a D/s relationship by willful and outwardly dominant men has become a frequent issue. Why do we allow ourselves to be talked into these situations? How is it enjoyable to both parties? Why does he need/want this? But most importantly, how to I dominate a man who is so intent on controlling how he is dominated and when?? These are all very big questions with very complicated and important answers.

    My husband/slave has his own thread going on this subject from a "big dumb man" point of view. Nothing is fact outside of our own personal experiences. We encourage open but polite discussion. No drama. No shaming. Leave the belittling for the bedroom.

    Onward and upward into the conversation we go.....
     
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  2. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    I think hubs and I began with a very typical relationship. Dating, marriage, children, steady decline of sexual contact, and increased frequency of fighting about nothing. I was unsatisfied in the bedroom but I continued to fake it instead of addressing it. I stopped wanting to have sex after our second child was born. I got what I wanted. After that I just preferred taking care of business myself when he was gone. Pleasing myself was a guaranteed happy ending. Involving him just made sex into a job that I didn't really enjoy anymore.


    After some explosive (but never violent) fights that nearly ended us, he brought up the idea of chastity and FLM. I was mildly interested and curious. He purchased the bird locked device and we gave it a "sort of" chance. He explained how he wanted to be dominated. After that he began to top from the bottom and become increasingly aggravated when I wouldn't play along in the manor he deemed correct. I began to lose the little interest I had and was frustrated with our bickering over this new thing. My problem was that I had become super lazy where our bedroom activities were concerned and I wasn't ready to put forth any work. I still wasn't really getting anything out of this. Eventually we purchased the jail bird device and had a serious discussion about the D/s relationship and what it really entailed. Unfortunately, this conversation didn't change his need to try and control the course of things. I was at my breaking point with this game. I was tired of his ego and macho attitude so I made a decision that completely changed the way our relationship was handled. I took charge. I dressed up and tied him down. Then I gagged him, making him forfeit his safe word. I unleashed my anger on his pale derriere. I forced welts. I forced tiny amounts of blood. I forced him into sobs. I was so angry with him and I let him know why. I laughed. I released him and he fell to his knees begging for forgiveness. I laughed some more and called him pathetic.

    After really putting effort into the new relationship, I began to see positive changes. His attitude toward me changed. He no longer held the pressure of trying to please me physically or the desire to control me and bring forth my wrath. I never realized how big of an impact sex had on our entire relationship until we were choosing to not have it anymore. We stopped fighting almost entirely. Sure we still had little arguments, but they were nothing big and were always about something real. Our marriage was stronger and we were happier.
     
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  3. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    Now we come to cuckolding.
     
  4. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    Cuckolding started as a verbal fantasy used to humiliate him during our bedroom sessions. It was never more than that until it was. A fun evening with friends turned into a very drunken foursome. It was an eye opening experience. I had never felt more desirable and sexy. There was no awkwardness or regret. Then it happened again with the same result. Finally the cuckold conversation was happening on a real level. Cue hubs controlling nature, rearing it's annoying head.
     
  5. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    Hubs encouraged me to sign up on an online cheaters website. He even created the profile. I made some cyber connections but he kept trying to control how things should happen and what he expected afterwards. I was angry and frustrated again. Again, I had reached a breaking point. I erupted and told him that I was leaving for the night as soon as he was home from work. I would be getting a room with one of my online toys and I wasn't coming home until I was done. I enjoyed an all night marathon of pleasure before sleeping and going home before work the next morning. He was on his knees as soon as he realized I was home, begging for forgiveness. I had once again taken away all of his control and he realized that it was more beneficial that way. My "playdates" became a more frequent thing, along with maintenance beatings to remind him of his place in our relationship.
     
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  6. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    My husband comes from a line of manly men who lead the family and leave the "womens work" to the women. He is stubborn, controlling, and has a way too big ego. This relationship only works for us because I don't allow him any control whatsoever. I control our household and I control our bedroom. There was no easy way to break his ego. In fact it is an ongoing process that will never end. Beating the fight out of him seemed to do the trick for us. Anything less than absolute brutality wouldn't have the same effect and would be viewed as cutesy.
     
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  7. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    Keep in mind that we do have a family oriented life. We have two young girls who only ever see their father treating their mother with the utmost respect and adoration. They also see their mother as a strong, confident woman. They never witness the naughty stuff in any way shape or form.
     
  8. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    Thank you Espylady for some valuable insights.
    Do you find that he's still the Alpha male in everyday life?
     
  9. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    No. Everything in our home life is ultimately up to me. I control our finances, our groceries, etc. Even though he is my submissive, he is still my partner and the father of our kids. We discuss matters of importance that need to be handled as a solid team. In front of our families we are a united front but I am still in charge. They don't need to know that he is caged or that just a certain look of the eyes is all the answer he needs to a given question. He gets to be the Alpha male at work, but that's about it.
     
  10. Mistress B
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    Mistress B Mistress B

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    Hello @Espylady07 It's pleasing that you are removing his selfish and aggressive attitude towards you. It's a little hard to comment, not knowing how you both met and decided to live together and I do realise that one has little control over whom we are attracted to.
    The one thought that does spring to mind, however, is that it would have been far less hassle had you chosen a lesser alpha-like male at the onset.
     
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  11. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    We didn't go into our marriage even thinking about having a D/s relationship. We met online, dated, married, had babies, then had problems. All of that over the course of about 5 years is what led up to the initial discussion of a FLM. He was never a submissive before me and I was never a Mistress to anyone before him. In fact, I had turned down a few potential relationships due to the fact that this was the lifestyle they were interested in pursuing with me. This all was a case of the universe lining up to put he and I together under normal, vanilla circumstances only to allow us the time to navigate the path to where we are right now.
     
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  12. seasoned
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    seasoned Long term member

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    "...a case of the universe lining up..."
    @Espylady07 :I like your image.Venus and your lover Mars are in phase but your hubs still thinks he's earth,in the middle,whereas he should realise that he's more like Mercury,your gopher.A little nudging is in order...
     
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  13. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    It's amazing how it only took half a dozen or so intense disciplinary sessions for him to truely break. Even when we take our breaks from the game, his former attitude never fully emerges again. He becomes. A little more confident and outspoken, but he is still as adoring as he is when he is caged. Sexhas forever changed though. There's no way to ever ignore the fact that he can't please me with his worm and I refuse to ever fake it for him again. So he always pleases me orally or with toys first before I allow him to penetrate me for his release.
     
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  14. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    How do any of you deal with your stubborn and/or resistant slave?
     
  15. s to M
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    s to M in training last year

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    i can only dream at the moment of finding such a relationship.. i am envious.. and hopeful
     
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  16. proximacentauri
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    proximacentauri Active member

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    If he ever wants it to stop and go back to the way things were, what happens?
     
  17. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    We take breaks from the game every so often. Life just gets in the way. We do have small children and other obligations. It's like a switch that just turns off when we need it to.

    I have no problem giving up sex with other men. I don't actually NEED to have sex with other men. It's just fun and a big turn-on for us both. We have strap-on toys and other things that can be used if cuckolding becomes an issue.
     
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  18. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    But to be honest, at this point there's really no going back to plain vanilla. We've come too far and released too many dark desires. If we went back to plain vanilla, we'd both get bored.
     
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  19. proximacentauri
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    proximacentauri Active member

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    Thanks for the answers. Yes clearly you both are into this together and well sync'd. I don't mean to be probing but that doesnt need to be the case always, right? What if he (or you) eventually get tired of this?

    I mean, this isn't a question just for you but kinda in general. But considering you moved into this from vanilla, it might help to hear your perspective.

    Also important that these relationships are inherently unequal, with the Dom getting the benefits and the sub not really getting any (apart from the fact that submission is it's own reward).

    What if at some point he wants these benefits back? Sure he can't please you sexually, but there's always ways to improve that - size is only one part of the picture. And worst case, he gets penile augmentation surgery and now boom he's endowed like a bull.
     
  20. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    At some point we might outgrow chastity and cuckolding, but I highly doubt we will ever stop being dirty. Ether way, it's not something I stress about. We have extremely open communication and no shame of any kind between the two of us.

    Also, I don't think our relationship is all that unequal. Yes he serves me plenty, but I take care of him and his needs a great deal. An example would be our showers together. About 90% of the time we shower together. Sometimes I wash his body, but I always rinse his body. He is my slave but I nurture him in many ways. He may not orgasm as frequently as I do but that doesn't mean he goes without pleasure.

    As I stated earlier, I don't NEED to have sex with other men. He enjoys my outside playtime almost as much as I do. Even if he doesn't participate in the act, I find ways to keep him involved.
     
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  21. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    I don't mind the questions. Probe away. I can only hope that our experiences might be beneficial to other couples trying to find balance in this kind of lifestyle.
     
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  22. mikeDsub
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    mikeDsub Active member

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    My wife and I believe that you should only attack the male's ego, not his self worth. One is a fetish, the other is something else.
     
  23. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    I have never attacked my husbands self worth.
     
  24. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    I think the biggest fact that everyone seems to keep overlooking the the fact that he has always enjoyed what I do. After all of our sessions, especially the more intense ones, we always take time to talk about what we liked and didn't like. The loving brutality shown via my form of discipline is something that works quite well for my slave and I. I would never and have never done anything to damage his person or our marriage. Just because some of you don't agree with it, doesn't mean it is wrong for us or criminal.
     
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  25. dsinbraces
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    dsinbraces Dominant wife/KH of dickie

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    I love the openess that you have shared on CM. We all have our own stories of how we have arrived at this point in time, and I'm sure I speak for other Mistresses that we are all interested in how our dominance came about.
    When dickie and I were first married, we experimented with light BDSM. Being a virgin, I wanted to try anthing to please him, but never enjoyed the submissive role like he did. But I eventually grew tired of him making love to the outfits he bought for me for our playtime, always latex or pvc, and always wanted me in boots. Years later, as the sex diminished, with both of us to blame, we just "existed" for quite a while, with little sexual activity. I had my toys, while he masturbated. But after his affair, I became the dominant person out of rage and hurt. Ten years later we both are happy with his submissive behaviour, which includes subtle moves that have turned him more femme that he ever would have imagined. Getting acrylic nails is a plus; it stopped his lifelong fingernail biting. Waxing and shaving was all my idea, as is the anklet he wears 24/7, whether inside socks at work, or in plain sight at all other times. He hasn't owned male underwear in over 8 years and knows how to purchase the proper pantyhose for outfits that he wears at my direction. He owns more pairs of wpmen's pvc boots than regular shoes. And like your hubby, is throughly adjusted to being a cuckhold, whether in chastity or not. We make major decisions together, but he prefers that I make most of the others. It works for us, and we are approaching our 39th anniversary. Ironic that his infidelity has kept us together the past twn years!
    Keep us informed, and send a PM if I can help you in any way.
    Mistress Suzan
     
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